BEEP
by CraftyNotepad
Summary: Excuse me just a moment while I check my messages ... A collection of 200-word or so phone messages left on the answering machines about Pickford. You're not only invited to read; you're invited to submit your own! GUEST AUTHORS' BEEPs ARE SHOWN IN CAPS
1. Pickford Bakery Supply Hut

Disclaimer: If you haven't yet gotten the message, I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

"Hi, I'm Mike from the Pickford Bakery Supply Hut. This call is for Pim Diffy. We have your order in for 800 cupcake tins that you haven't picked up since around Halloween. We're going to have to send them back if haven't heard from you by Friday and there's a 20-percent restocking fee. Same for the forty-five thousand paper cupcake liners. Please give us a call back. Thanks! Bye!

•BEEP •


	2. Pickford Zoo

Disclaimer: At the tone, I will admit my lack of ownership concerning Phil of the Future ...

•BEEP •

"This is the Pickford Zoo -- not the migratory petting zoo. We're missing a small alligator named Hershel and we've had a tip that someone in your neighborhood may have knowledge of its whereabouts. If you know where it is, please call, and if you have Hershel, please return him -- no questions asked. Thank you. Oh, and we're also missing a small measuring cup -- know anything about that?

•BEEP •


	3. Dr Gennaro, DDS

Disclaimer: (REWIND) ... that's what I said, "I don't own Phil of the Future. That hurts enough, so be kind and please stop pressing 'rewind.'"

•BEEP •

This is Dr. Gennaro calling concerning Curtis Diffy. I haven't heard back from him since he left in the middle of his appointment. Please call to schedule a new appointment for Curtis Diffy. I've been told that Mr. Diffy is a very busy businessman, but it's very important that he come back in to complete his examination and any necessary treatment -- extraction, for instance. If it's a matter of nervousness about what may follow the consultation with Dr. Mentorman, I can assure you that any actions will be virtually pain free. Please have him contact me at immediately, day or night. Maybe he can explain the dent in my office door.

•BEEP •


	4. Video Store

Disclaimer: Do not ask for whom the beep tones, it tones for thee, readers. Definitely not for me; I don't even own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hi! This is Jill from Pickford's Famous Pictures. We're sorry you weren't happy with your movie rentals. While we can't authorize a refund, we can offer you store credit for the movies you were unsatisfied with. We really are not responsible for misleading, uh, advertisement on the part of the studios. Let's see, um, you have credit for the following titles you reported an issue with: Camp Rock, Rocky IV, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Romancing the Stone, Sand Pebbles, and the Tooth Fairy (with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson), as well as, all movies of Rock Hudson, Sharon Stone, Cliff Robertson, and Mario Van Peebles. By the way, we do have an extensive collection of the Flintstones, if you'd be interested. Thanks for renting from Pickford's Famous PIctures, forever your source of fine family films.

•BEEP •


	5. Work For Phil?

Disclaimer: What the BEEP do you mean I don't own PotF? That's BEEPed up! BEEP! Yeah, it's true. beep.

•BEEP •

Name's Jimmy; you don't know me, but you know my dog, Maximilian. I understand you come over regularlly to play with him, and that's fine and all, but I'm back from college on break for a month and I was wondering if you'd start picking up after him in the backyard, like you did. Y'know? His poop? Backyard's kind of a mess, and I'm on vacation. Call me, Kid. I'll leave the back gate open -- oh, and the back is kind of a jungle since I've been gone, so if you'd like to make some extra money pruning, leave a message. Later. Max? Why are you growling at me, Max? Max? _**MAX!**_

•BEEP •


	6. Seth Wosmer's Worry

Disclaimer: I know it don't add up, but it's s'truth: I do not own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

"Phil -- It's Seth. Call Me A-S-A-P. Phil? Tia can't see me like this on our first date -- literally 'can't see' me. Chunks! And I wanted everything to go perfectly. This just doesn't add up. My hand is missing. It's literally gone, Phil! I mean, it's there, but it's not -- I can't see it. I'm freakin' out, Phil! This is worse than imaginary numbers! Oh, and I found that little spray bottle of cologne that you said you were missing. Cool container, but I didn't really smell anything when I used it ... just before my hand disapp-- hey. Hey --HEY! Phil, I'm coming over. You have some 'splainin' to do, Buddy."

•BEEP •


	7. Investigative Reporter?

Disclaimer: Ring - Ring. I'm not at ding-a-ling, because I know I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hel-lo Mr. and Mrs. Morton! This is, uh, Neee--Lance Tankman and, um, I'm, uh, an ace reporter for the Pickford Chronicle and, um, I'm doing a story about, oh, unusual goings on in our-your YOUR neighborhood -- strange lights in the sky, funny noises, flying garbage cans, that sort of thing. Are you missing any pets? Do you hear digging sounds in the middle of the night or the do you hear something or someone running across your roof? Are you fond of chili? If so, um, if you could call me back for an interview, I'd really want to sit down with you -- over the phone -- and record all you want to share. D'ank you.

•BEEP •


	8. PICKFORD LANDFILL HAS STANDARDS

Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Phil of the Future, I didn't even write this BEEP. Credit goes to our first submission by a reader-reviewer, the prolific SlickNickShady. Thanks for setting a great example, Nick!

•BEEP •

This is Tim from the Pickford Landfill Corporation. I'm calling about a 1982 Bravada Hatchback, license plate #HROSWELL, that was found abandoned at the bottom of Pit B this morning. If you don't claim it by 6 AM tommorow, Neil Hackett, it will be destroyed and you will be charged a two thousand dollar processing fee, and, frankly, that's a lot more than your clunker is worth, even with that slightly used wedding dressed in the back seat -- hey, I'm not judging, I myself wear -- never mind. Listen, this is nothing personal, it's just that -- a Bravada? Neil, even we have minimum standards as to what goes into a landfill -- never know when someday somebody might build a school over it, you know? See you soonest, as in before 6:01 tomorrow morning, Neil.

•BEEP •


	9. DR LOVE — DO I PICK SWEET OR SAVORY?

Disclaimer: You know this is fun when Nick submits two BEEPs in one night. Last time, SlickNickShady took us to the dump (what are we, a dirt-cheap date?) and this time he has a different sort of dumping in mind ...

•BEEP •

Hey, Keely. Tia here. I'm calling for some relationship advice. You and Phil are the perfect couple, so I really want your advice since you seem to know what love is. This one guy is so totaly hot and, girl, he has some bulk. The other guy is an old aquaintance from your neck of the woods. He adored me then and he still does. He could be really sweet when he wasnt posting on his blog. He seems to be maturing, but, ooh. the other guy is so hot and, well, a long distance relationship with this other guy means less time for making out. I don't know what to do, Keel. Teach me, Oh, Wise One.

P.S.

Don't tell your boyfriend about any of this. I think Phil still talks to Se...the old aquaintence. Also, hey! When are you going to share with me some of yours and Phil's love stories? You never really talk about wherever it is you two fly off to.

•BEEP •


	10. Missing Kitty

Disclaimer: What? You want to speak to the owner of Phil of the Future? Sorry. You dialed the wrong number.

•BEEP •

Hi, this is Mrs. Morton* from down the street. Have you seen Ruggles, our fat orange cat? Ruggles hasn't been home in days. She usually doesn't hunt far from home, because she can't chase down prey like she used to. This is a catastrophe! We think she may have run away because she through a hissy-fit about performing her new act: RUGGLES -- The Amazing Cannonball of Fur. We need to keep practicing before opening night at the Teslows'. Please keep and eye out for her and call us, won't you, if you find her? Thanks. Oh, and if your daughter is wondering, yes, there is a reward -- two free tickets to her premiere launching from her cannon AND I mean "Hers" as in my cat's. Please make sure Pim understands this time that BYOB does not stand for "Bring Your Own Bazooka." (Sigh) Thanks again!

•BEEP •

.

.

.

*From Curtis's ceramic lawn sculpture hoarding stage in "Double Trouble." Mandy Teslow is making the rounds informing her neighbors that her front lawn has been burgled. When she gets to the Diffys' and is in the midst of telling Lloyd, Curtis walks in from the kitchen, snack in hand. Lloyd transforms from easy going self-hair stylist to nervous bouncer as he ushers Mandy to the door, assuring her that there's nothing suspicious going on around here, but she should try the Mortons down the street. Now, also here in Chapters 7 and 10.


	11. A BEEP FROM BERWICK

Disclaimer: Yea! Another submission! Thanks to jessec12 this time for treating to a little eavesdropping (which Debbie will remind us isn't polite). Jessica, without readers and reviewers such as yourself, there'd be -- what's that, Debbie? (SIGH) Yes, I know there are seven reasons why we shouldn't eavesdrop -- of course I want you to tell us, but after this message, okay?

•BEEP •

HI PIMSY! This is Debbie Berwick calling from my new home in Arizona. Sorry it's taken so long to contact you; I've been so busy helping Nana and me move in and getting to know our lovely new community! So, the reason for this happy phone call is 'cause Nana just told me that said she'd pay for a bus ticket for one of my Pickford friends to come visit me over spring break, and since you're my best friend, I would REALLY love it if you came. I could introduce you to my new friends at the nursing home and you can help me make homemade cupcakes and doily hats for them! YAY, what could be more fun! Hope you can come; I miss you lots; call me!!

•BEEP •


	12. Vote For Me And I'll Luca After You!

Disclaimer: Was that you who call? What were you asking me? If I don't own Phil of the Future? Didn't you hear my answer? We must have been disconnec --

•BEEP •

"Hello Voters! My name is Alice Da Luca and my father, Mayor Johnny Da Luca, is busy working hard for you tonight at City Hall, so he asked me to call and remind you that election day is Tuesday and that he's excited about the prospect of serving the good people of Pickford for his second term in office. Do you like the new skateboard park? The improved bus service, and his updated website?_ (Dad, that's lame.")_

_("Just read it the way I wrote it, Kitten, and put a smile in your voice. Voters love our De Luca smiles.")_

"Remember [grin] to vote on Tuesday, and remember our Mayor, Johnny Da Luca. He'll 'Luca' after you. _(Daddy, can't you come up with something better?")_

_("The election is in three days, Alice. The slogan got me elected the first time -- stick with a winner, that what I and the people of Pickford should do. Just cross out 'Diffy' -- their son is a bizarre boy, Alice -- on the print out and move down to the next name, Sonny Drizzle, the weatherman. Remember to smile and -- oh, and hang up, Ali, hang up!")_

•BEEP •


	13. LLOYD APOLOGIZES

Disclaimer: Welcome Boris Yeltsin and his first BEEP. While Boris already knows that I don't own Phil of the Future, he probably doesn't know that BEEP was inspired as a way for him to start publishing his Pheely ideas until FanFiction clears up the snafus that have prevented him from posting on his own.

•BEEP •

Keely. Mr. Diffy. Cosmic cumquats, I wanna apologize for how I reacted in the backyard after finding out Phil told you our little family secret. I guess I just need to start trusting people in this century more, especially you. By the way, everyone loved your cookies. Hey, can Barb have the recipie? On second thought, maybe instead you could bring over another batch? Or two? Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for -- Phil tells me he really needs a friend here and he couldn't have lucked out more than having one in you. None of us could. Good night. Oh, this is Mr. Diffy, in case you didn't know. G'night, Keely. I guess I'll be seeing you a lot more in our future.

•BEEP •


	14. TIA AT FESTAPALOOZA II

Disclaimer: Welcome Boris Yeltsin and his second BEEP. Boris, you don't by any chance own Phil of the Future, do you? Yeah, me neither. (sigh)

•BEEP •

"Keely? Phil? Tia here. Man, you guys missed Festapalooza concert again! IT. WAS. AMAZING! The guy who fried his guitar last time, set it on fire this time. Who does he think he is, Jimmy Hendrix? I mean, he's good, but he's no Lady X. Okay, maybe not as good as last year's, but still, it had to be better than spending Saturday baby sitting together, didn't it? Hey, I was thinking of you, anyway. I even picked you both up T-shirts -- matching, of course, so you can walk down the hallways at school looking even more couplly. Gotta go now. I have to get spruced up for my date -- did I tell you already about the drummer I met? Don't worry, I'll spill later. And, I'm out.

•BEEP •


	15. VIA FACES THE PUZZLE THAT IS KEELY

Disclaimer: Boris Yeltsin is on a roll with his third kicking off a three-parter (three-parter? three-peater? anyway...) I don't know who actually owns Phil of the Future. McNamara? Disney? Tim and Doug? I do know, though, that it's not me. Rat Snacks.

**Author's Note:** There's a new version of Chapter 13, Lloyd Apologizes. Check it out.

•BEEP •

Hey Keely, Via here. Look, about the dance, it's obvious you love Phil, so you could've asked him. Something come up? Did you two have a fight? Whatever it is, it couldn't be that important. Get past it, Keely, and next time there's a dance, ask him! Oh, wait, Ladies Choice Dance, so you did. Golly, you two looked so adorable dancing in the hall in celebration before becoming self-conscious. All about being "green," right? Go Earth? Sure, it is. Gotta think about this one. Bye..

•BEEP •


	16. VIA CHEWS OUT HER DATE

Disclaimer: Boris Yeltsin and Via realize that one message doesn't always cut it, so here's the second part for the series that none of us owns. Well, somebody, but not me.

**Author's Note:** There's a new version of Chapter 13, Lloyd Apologizes. Check it out.

•BEEP •

Phil, Via. You're so pathetic! How can you not notice Keely's crazy for you? You do realize, don't you, that I invited you so you to would find a way to get back together? Get busy, Mister! Get a plan! Get a clue! Buy a bloody vowel if you need to. You don't think for an instance that Keely (or any other girl) would actually want to go out with O-wen-will-I-grow-up instead of a normal boy, do you? Next time Keely Teslow wants to go to a dance, you accept, you big lug, and no matter what, don't you dare back out, Philip! And thank you for a lovely evening.

•BEEP •


	17. OWEN CLUES IN PHIL

Disclaimer: Boris Yeltsin wraps up this drama with his third course, and, I don't know about you, but when I think of wraps and a third course, I think of Owen feeding his face, and when I think about face, I have to face the fact that I don't own Phil of the Future, and that, dear readers, gives me a stomach ache every time.

**Author's Note:** There's a new version of Chapter 13, Lloyd Apologizes. Check it out.

•BEEP •

Phil-istine. Owen. Man, you and Keels are perfect for each other; what are ya, blind? I mean, she's tall and pretty and smells like a field of lavender, but she keeps talking about_ you_. Everything is "_Phil_ is such good listener," and_ "Phil_ always so polite," and "Owen,_ Phil_ never lets food fall from his mouth when he's chewing." I hardly ever do. It's like you're there on the date with the two of us all night. No, it's worse than that -- it's like being on a date with my mom. Dude. I wanna get you two guys together again, so how about you drop hints to Keely that I like Via. I think I've been too subtle. Hey, we could even double date again, I guess -- just no more pictures by your dad -- that creeped me out a little bit. Anyway, call me.

•BEEP •


	18. Myron's Sporting Goods Crisis

Disclaimer: Hello 9-1-1? Yes, of course, this is an emergency! I don't own Phil of the Future!

**Author's Note: 17 chapters in 5 days -- PotF FF writers rock! **

•BEEP •

Hey Diffy? Look, I know we all said we'd never talk about that night again, but, Man, I gotta talk to someone and the rest of the carrot-peelers would only razz me and never stop. If you don't wanna talk, I don't blame you, but do you have Teslow's number? It's the swim fins, Diffo. I see swim fins wherever I go. On the tv, in newspaper ads, at the sporting goods store -- they're popping up everywhere! Two tons of tuna! This must mean something. I just gotta talk it out with somebody. I need help, Diffy, because I think maybe they're going to abduct us again. Give me a call back on my cell -- I'm hiding in Cookie Junior's hutch.

•BEEP •


	19. Too Many Colors

Disclaimer: I'm grateful for all donations here, including, if anyone wants, to give me ownership of PotF, which I don't have, presently.

•BEEP •

Hello. This is the Pickford Community Pantry. I know our sign says that we take all donations of food and clothing, but this shirt -- Too Many Colors. Where'd you dig this technicolor terror up, the seventies? All it's missing is a cape! It's scaring customers from coming over, and I think it's actually curdling the milk. Next time, donated it to a pill pusher so everyone will "just say no," or don it at the end of October -- that'll be certain to scare children on Halloween for certain, or why don't you put it on a stick waive it in front of a cow so she'll give sour cream? We haven't had such a sad donations since those high school outfits covered in tomato stains. Hey, why don't you stuff it into a rat hole to ... what's that? Really? If you say so. Never mind, some bald guy wearing a scrunchy as a headband fell in love with it and even paid full price for that monstrocity. I guess what I'm saying is, got any more at home just like it? How about sweater vests?

•BEEP •


	20. Double O Business

Disclaimer: 555-2003, who owns Phil of the Future? Not me. Not me.

•BEEP •

"_Hullo!_ Hullo! _Hullo_! This is Owen, Master of Mirth."

"And I'm Via"

"And we're calling to tell you about our new business, 'The Joke's On You.' It's the first dial-a-joke in which we do the dialing for you, leaving a funny on your answering machine, like this. See, we go to Wells Jr.-Sr. High and we're a couple --"

"Lab partners."

"A couple of lab partners in Mr. Messerschmitt's economics lab. I thought that meant we were going to learn how to print money in the basement, or something even cooler, like turning coal to diamonds, but instead, Chunks!"

"Oh, my. Instead, it's a course to develop economic aptitude in a real world setting. We're entering stage two, implementing our own business plan, which means --"

"Which means if life's treating you like you've just been assigned a five-thousand word essay due at the end of the week on the history of chalk erasers, then consider our daily jokes as your life preservers on white board of your life."

"Owen, that doesn't even make sense."

"Sure it does. You just didn't get it because you don't speak American. Real world got you blue? Are you O-wen yourself more fun in life?"

"Owen."

"Via. Hey, knock-knock."

"Uh, who's there?"

"Oh."

"Uh-oh. I see where this is going ... Oh, all right. 'Oh' who?"

"O-when are you going out to dinner with me?"

"Really, our material has to be better than that, Owen. Knock-knock jokes?"

"You can do better?"

"Any day, any time, Can O'Snakes Boy."

"How about right here and now, O-Livia? Go on, if you think you have funny bone enough to out shine the O-Dog."

"Want to hear a blonde joke?"

"Sure."

"Owen. HAHAHAHAHHAAAheeehaaa..."

"Via, you can't tell a joke. See, in order for it to be funny the blonde has to be too dumb to understand that the joke's really on -- hey, wait ... HEY! Stop laughing."

"HA! HA! HAH-HAW, HAW (SNORT!) HA HA HA HA HEE HEE hee .."

"NOT FUNNY, Vee."

"(Koff, koff) Ha (Koff) ha ha. (Ahh!) Oh-when, will you develop a healthy sense of humor, Blondie? For more great humor, dial 555-1212 to subscribe to 'The Joke's On You.' Don't miss out on this opportunity, or, like my fair-haired friend here, the joke will be on you."

"I'm so going to get you for that."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Partner. Say, how do you keep a blonde in suspense?"

"I don't know, Via. How do you keep a blonde in suspense? Vee? Well, are you going to tell me or not? Vee? Why are you walking away? Oh, come on, Vee; you have to tell me the answer. Via?"

•BEEP •


	21. Principal Tillywack Is Back

Disclaimer: Please stop calling here. The owner of Phil of the Future is not at this number.

•BEEP •

Aloha, Mrs. Diffy. This is the Principal Eugene Tillywack from H. G. Wells. I'm sorry to have missed you at home so late this evening, but I have a huge stack of emails that I'm sifting through after my fact-finding mission in Tahiti. There's an inordinate number from Vice-Principal Hackett concerning your children, and, for some reason, yourselves. Really! You wouldn't believe the how much of my mailbox is just taken up by emails with the name "DIFFY" in the title -- is there a reason why your daughter had her own personal office on campus? From gist of this, it seems that your family has made numerous contributions to this school: participation in the Distinguished Speakers series, fund raising for the Science Department's mascot's treatment, winning the Principal-For-A-Day competition and fast-walking competition, in addition to helping broadcast the daily morning update reports -- I just don't understand what this issue is that Vice-Principal Hackett has with the Diffy family. Oh, I see -- there are notes about detentions for both your children, mostly your daughter, but nothing serious enough to account for all these emails. Is there sometime next week when we could meet, maybe I could come over to your house? This won't be a formal visit -- I'll be the one in the loud Tahitian shirt. Please give me a call at H. G. Wells -- no more emails, please. After reading all these notes, I'm sure you have the number. Tiny bubbles! I miss the luaus already.

•BEEP •


	22. Their Boss Phones Home

Disclaimer: This is a recording: I do not own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Lloyd? This is Henrietta at the hardware store. Lloyd, ya big wingnut, you're going to have to come in early tomorrow and undo what you did! When I told you to restock the nuts and bolts, I didn't want for you to fasten the two of them together. While I like the idea of customers wanting one or the other having to buy both, Lloyd, that's just not gonna fly with our customers. So, come in early tomorrow, correct this, and, please, try to be more like Curtis, will ya and think first? Tain't rocket science, Big Brain. Buh-bye. Oh, and pass along this message to Curtis: "thanks" for going out to McClaney's farm and getting his well going again. He says it looks like the strangest repair job on record, and if he raised goats instead of tomatoes, they'd be stampeding down main street just to steer clear of all that flailing, but it works and that's all that counts as far as he's concerned. Another happy customer due to your natural handymannery and that's what counts bigger with me than the 48 oz. bottle of Weed-B-Gone on aisle two, too, Curtis. Thanks heaps!

•BEEP •


	23. Mr Yamaguro Has Second Thoughts

Disclaimer: It's true I don't own a Mercedes, a yacht, or Phil of the Future. Guess which one hurts the most.

•BEEP •

Yes, I'm trying to get a hold of a Miss Deborah Berwick. this is Mr. Yamaguro of Mr. Yamaguro's Shoe Repair. How did the new key work? Good? Normally, I don't call about a single key; I'm actually phoning you about the other order you made. Are you absolutely, positively certain you wish these heels to be lowered on all these shoes, Miss Berwick? It's not that I don't appreciate your coming all the way down to Little Tokyo, be cause I do. I appreciate your patronage and the delicious looking platter of cupcakes -- why does one have "FLOSS ONLY 1s U WANT 2 KEEP" iced on it? It's these shoes, Miss Berwick. Once I begin making the cuts in their heels -- what this? More writing. "PROPERTY OF PIM DIFFY." There are smudges ... "something, something, something" ... then I can barely make out the last two words: "OR ELSE!" What do you think that means? Was that your own house key? I don't want to know. Are these actually your shoes, Miss Berwick? I know your Nana Berwick is one of my best customers, but now that I study the remaining shoes -- Wat is dit? -- ¡AY, CARAMBA! I now know what "something, something, something" means. Come immediately and return these shoes to their rightful owner before we both regret it. Please, Miss Berwick! This Pim Diffy has something flowing through her veins and it definitely isn't pink frosting from your cupcakes.

•BEEP •


	24. My Compliments To the Chef

Disclaimer: Sweet Cupcake, try to catch up, because, though I tried and mustered all my resources to do so, any claim from me that I own the relished PotF will turn sour and fall flatter than a pancake, Pumpkin Butt.

•BEEP •

Lana! This here's Chef DuPree from school. I love you, my own little Amy Goodman! I just can't thanks you ee-nuf for yore bravery cornerin' and trappin' those two dirty, connivin' liddle rats in my kitchen today. You'd be tickled to know Vice-Principal Hackett allowed me to pick the punishment this pair of putrid polecats so rightly deserved, so, since these "reviewers" needed to clean up their reportin', I decided they could start practicin' by sweepin' out the lunch room. "Start," I say, "start," that is, fore I have a list of chores on the menu for the both them, culminatin' with their "just desserts." By week's end, our dirty duo will be cleanin' out all the greasy grease traps, from the deep fryers to the greasiest -- the artery cloggin', ptomaine inducin', dark heart of the manifold which is the "mystery meat" maker, after which, I'll be have them recyclin' the leftover "meat de mysterious" for my next week's recipe of blackened sloppy joes. Speakin' of 'blackened,' Lana, I gots to tell you how I just adored your marvelous news dish, "Recipe For Corruption," and the resultin' justice it has gone and done served up -- my compliments to the chef. So, come to school tomorrow, 'cuz as a personal token of my deep esteem and gratitude regardin' my fa-vor-rite reporter, I will commerate your invesigative creation by servin' to yous the debut bowl of the newest one of my very own -- 'Blackened Terrapin Soup,' concocted with ingredients recycled from today's turtle racin's unfortunate losers. Bon Apetite!

•BEEP •


	25. Danny's Mom Is AntiPim

Disclaimer: Did you read that I don't own Phil of the Future? I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather, too.

Author's Note: Congratulations to SlickNickShady for finding the time machine's hood ornament.

•BEEP •

Mrs. Diffy, I'm Demi Dawkins, Daniel's mother. Danny can't play with your daughter any more. Today, I received a phone call from V.P. Hackett explaining that Danny's had his new electronic thingy confiscated until the end of the school year. When I asked Mr. Hackett to put my son on the phone so I could hear from his own mouth what happened, Danny was so upset he would only speak to me in Spanish. The only word I comprendoed was "Pim." I should have seen this coming for a long time. All the extra homework he was doing, a shrine to your daughter added to his website, the collection of collection agencies calling in the middle of the night demanding to speak to a P. Diffy, rented drifters sleeping our garage, along with crates addressed to a Pim Diffy, but having our address ... I blame myself -- no, I don't -- I blame you. Do you know the kinds of mischief your daughter is involved in and, what's worse, involving our innocent little boy in? Mrs. Diffy, I think your daughter is a bad influence on my son and you should sit down and have a long overdue serious talk with Pim before she starts going astray. I'm sorry, but until the late night calls and subpoenas stop being served for your daughter at our home, but Danny isn't allowed to play with Pim. We have plenty of chores around here that he's been ignoring for far too long. Good day.

•BEEP •


	26. UFO My Close Encounter!

Disclaimer: Did this ever happen to you, too? You own Phil of the Future. Life is good and makes sense -- then you're abducted by aliens. When they're done probing you (ouch) and let you go, all traces of evidence of PotF ever being yours are now unexplained, forgotten, oblivious -- or, in the vernacular, U.F.O. "The truth is out there?" Maybe. If you find my ownership deed, drop me a line, but until then I must, for legal reasons, state (not admit, "state") that I don't own Phil of the Future or a DeLorean that tops out at a measily 88 miles per hour.

•BEEP •

Neil? Neil, would you please pick up if you're home? Your lights are on, but your curtains just closed. This is Beverly, you know, Veronica's mother? You two went out for a while, but it ended, so we never did get together for Christmas, but that's not important right now. I was just driving by your house when I noticed something fishy was just going on in your backyard. Some pumped-up muscly beach god with blonde locks down to his shoulders was talking with -- maybe it was a couple of teens -- maybe it's a gang? I don't know. I thought this was a nice neighborhood when I visited last time. Didn't hear your yappy dog this time, but there was a strange light in the sky above your house. It appeared suddenly from nowhere, hovered over your house for a minute, then rocketed away like something from, well -- you are still a member of the Pickford U.F.O. - Chili Tasting Club, aren't you? Maybe some of your fellow nuts, I mean 'members' also saw it -- OH MY! Or maybe I'm a nutter, too, cuz I think I just saw my first alien encounter! Neil? Are you there? This is fantastic! Neil, I'm walking up to your front door right now. With that light in the sky gone, everything's gone quiet. Wait, I hear a someone inside your place. Neil, it sounds like you. What are you doing, counting to a thousand before answering the phone? Is this the thanks I get? This is the last time I try and be a good neighbor for you. Veronica was right about you! The kids are right, too! You really do put the 'ass' in 'assistant' principal.

•BEEP •


	27. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

Disclaimer: I don't own PotF, do you? Well, then you know exactly how I feel, don't you? Want a hanky?

•BEEP •

Hello? This is the Disney Channel We're looking to contact someone at H. G. Wells l who we've heard is good with sound effects. There's a part in a new television series we're producing. See? It's about a family that is stranded in our time, just trying to get by, get along, and get home. It's called ... well, the title is still being tweaked, and we're looking for the perfect setting, maybe in an agricultural community, bananas maybe, or watermelons. It's going to center on the family's kids, elementary or junior high ages, and we'd like to pepper the show with sound effects, instead of a laugh track. Oh, and we're still looking for someone to play a couple of rolls, someone unique looking, maybe with big, pouffy hair. Could you please post a notice, or even better, do you have some sort of morning announcement where it could be read to the entire school? Thanks, that would be great, if you could. Gotta go 'cuz I also work on Buzz Lightyear of Star Command -- it's a great show and going to run forever. "To Infinity and Beyond!"

•BEEP •


	28. Phil Walking Out On Boys' Poker Night

Disclaimer: If I owned Phil of the Future, I'd consider that my winning hand, but as it is, all I'm holdin' is garbage. I'll take five. 

•BEEP •

Hey, Philster. You didn't leave mad, did you? You didn't have to leave at all. Hey, shut-up, Guys! I'm on the phone; and turn down the t.v., willya? Sheesh! I know it's the semi-finals on Celebrity Strip Poker, but it's not like we care what the ladies are saying, now is it? Hey! Hey! Hey! No throwing my cheesy-puffs. They're for eatin'; throw the trail mix, instead. Seth? Where do you think you are? Stop using a coaster, for Crumb's sake. Phil? Listen, Bro. I have your winnings. Sorry if we crossed the line, Bud. It was just poker chatter. Nobody was trying to get your goat this time about all the time you spend with Keely. Myron! Have mercy, Man. At least stop havin' those bean sandwiches. Look, Phil, we were all jus' razzin' one another about our girls and what they looked like. You didn't need to take it personal. It just made for something to sweetin' the pot with. All the guys felt bad about you just got up, threw on your jacket, smiled, and left. Uh, Phil? We looked at the note from Keely that fell out of your jacket. Uh, sorry. Um. Anyways, we, uh, we didn't even need to flip over your cards. We figured that all of us combined couldn't match what her feelings added to the pot. It's all yours, Man. You know what, Phil? You're about the luckiest guy I know. Frankie says, "No bull," man, whatever that means. You know you're invited back to next week's poker night, but if I were you, well, guys' night out ... night out with Keely? Philly Cheese Steak, that's a no-brainer. See you in class, you lucky guy.

•BEEP •


	29. Keely Feels Old

Disclaimer: If Phil of the Future was just a bit more successful, then Disney Books would have released the announced books five through eight, and more to boot. This would have gone on forever, just like Star Trek paperbacks. Gotta love FanFiction! It fills the void that Disney created, and fills up the emptiness I would suffer when I realize that I don't even own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Phil, you cheer me up right now! T.V. is making me feel so old. First, there were infomercials for Hooked On Phonics to help kids who had trouble reading, and I suppose Dr. Seuss books even before that. I had no problem with those, but then came Your Baby Can Read and everyone thought it was a great idea to take away all the time toddlers have to explore the world and stick their nose in front of books. Did anyone ask the babies what they thought? I don't think so. I would have done an investigative report and found out the real reason carpet monkeys were being strapped into chairs by their own parents and forced to learn how to read. Anyway, what I just saw ... would you believe "_Your Baby Can Speed Read_?" It's all like, _"In his child safety seat, your kiddie can read the complete works of William Shakespeare on the Sunday drive to Grandma's house, master Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre while in the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box ..."_ -- Phil, these babies just were nothing months before -- that's so insensitive -- _"... and understand one-half of that future little talk you're going to have with them one day by reading Beekeeping For Beginners -- Don't Get Stung! while you're backing out of your driveway. Doesn't that sound wonderful parents?"_ Phil, the future is coming at me too fast. Is this how Level II Gonknoys evolved? I'm coming over, Pal, and, fair warning, I'm feeling retro. No future gadgets or spray food. I'm baking up a platter-full of chocolate chip cookies, then I'm going to grab a stack of Pim's comic books and just veg out on the hammock in your backyard reading nice and slow ... want to join me?

•BEEP •


	30. KEELY APOLOGIZES, SORT OF

Disclaimer: I hate waking up to the blare of the alarm clock because only in my dreams do I own Phil of the Future.

Here's another gem of a BEEP from Boris Yeltsin:

•BEEP •

Phil, it's Keely. Your dad told me about that thing with the note in the time capsule. You could've told me that earlier. You should have told me! You can tell me anything. Look, I know this must've been scary for you and I'm still kinda mad you didn't tell me right away -- we should've been doing that talking kind of thing, y'know? Communicate? Listen, I wanna apologize for how I acted when you made me feel special and 'specially embarassed at the same time. I know this wasn't all your fault. Little advice, next time, Mister, tell me when you might not exist anymore!

•BEEP •


	31. Chuck Calls His Mommy

Disclaimer: Sometimes, don't you just want to "Chuck" it all when you realize that you don't own PotF?

•BEEP •

Bad Mommy! You didn't let Daddy go out for Peach Sherbert and Crazy Eights. Daddy's calling Pickford's Child Welfare Office -- unless you give him his cash back before first period, tomorrow. It's not as if I'm hard to bring up: my bottom's always powdered; I don't wander off on my own; I respect the adage "Children should be seen and not heard" -- face it, Pim, I'm every mother's perfect son, but that's just not enough for you, is it? Why won't you love me? Last night, you put me out in the flower bed -- "flour bed?" -- not funny, Mumsy. Then you used me as a paperweight, a doorstop, a medicine ball, and even a test subject for your weekly spackle practice. Child Welfare's disagrees with you: "All-Purpose" Flour doesn't mean a mother gets to do anything she wants to with her baby. NOW, you're going to start acting like a good mother, give Daddy his nights off, cough up his dough-rei-me -- or Miss Levy annonymously receives an envelope filled with photos of me abandoned beside a school dumpster with "PIM" spelled out in white all-purpose in front of me. I'll be waitin' in a basket on your doorstep after school today -- you're giving Daddy the weekend off, understand, Love Muffin? Now, who's your "Daddy?"

•BEEP •


	32. ADVENTURES IN BABY SITTING

Disclaimer: Sure, baby sitting is hard, harder than admitting that I don't own Phil of the Future.

Boris Yeltsin makes another contribution today, recalling "Adventures In Baby Sitting."

•BEEP •

Phil, too bad you got grounded for a week -- you're gonna miss the big shoe sale! Oh well, guess Via wouldn't mind coming with. Anyway, baby sitting together was fun, even if it was kinda hard. Ugh! I'll never go near another moustache again as long as I live. Don't you dare sprout even a little one, Diffy. Speaking of "little sprouts," did you know you were such an adorable five-year-old, coming down the stairs wearing your underpants on the outside? Playing mommy was fun. Maybe you could de-age me, and you could play daddy, please? I'd be a good baby ... and then I wouldn't have to do all this math homework. Hey, I'm coming over for help, and, oh, check with my Auntie Pim -- is there any briskett left?

•BEEP •


	33. IT IS I, BATINA MESSERSCHMITT

Disclaimer: SlickNickShady offers up his newest BEEP. Nick is becoming suspicious about my owning PotF. Don't tell him I don't, okay? I want to break it to him gently. Maybe I'll do it after I return from Pickford--oops.

•BEEP •

Hey, Keely, Doll. It is I, Batina Messerschmitt. Thanks for the highlighting suggestion; I look marvelous. Nathan is significantly calmer than usuall and I am wondering what you and your boyfriend's secret is. My afternoon competition at the Pickford Imitation Crab Meat Plant was wunderbar; I know you must have wanted to find out the results before Nathan and I dashed home. Well, my little child care wonder, I avoided being cut out of the first level's elimination round by just a whisker, the second by a razor's edge, and placed first in the final by a hair. My Dear, I have never had such a close shave in all my born days. Call me,Keely-Darling. I must dash, must dash, must dash -- because I hear my Nathan's calling me. Coming, Buhbala! Tah-tah Keely. Call me. I have another baby sitting job next Saturday for you!

•BEEP •


	34. Close Shave

Disclaimer: Does anyone really "own" anything? I, for one, admit that I don't own PotF.

Author's Note: Facial hair seems to be the theme of the day. All we need now is Pim to show up green with razor stubble.

•BEEP •

Hi. It's Keely. My boyfriend and my secret? If you only knew -- oh, and he's not my boyfriend, he's just a boy who I'm friends with, well, he's my best friend, and it was fun, our pretending to be parents today for your son, who is just a little, uh, bundle of energy -- which is why he's probably just worn out from smas-, wrec-, run-, yeah, that's it! He just wore himself out running up and down those stairs. You know Nathan; he can't get enough stairs. Stairs, stairs, stairs. Up the stairs, down the stairs, back up the stairs. Why, I thought they were going to make an old man of him (gulp). So ... you had a good day paintin' stripes on fish today? Congratulations, Mrs. Mustache -- I, I, I mean, "dash," must dash! I MUST DASH! BYE!

•BEEP •


	35. GRADY STILL WANTS TO KNOW

Disclaimer: I keep wishing on stars, buy I think the cricket was full of it, because my dream of owning Phil of the Future still hasn't come true.

**SlickNickShady joins in with a two-parter!**

•BEEP •

Hey, Phil. Grady here. Regreasing of the telescopes at the Pickford Planetarium with Grace was out of this world. You and Keely should really join us next time for another double date. I know, I know, you are just friends, but at lunch the other day you said the reason you have not furthered things with her is because it's complicated. I don't know what could be so complicated. Obviously you are crazy about Keely and, while I don't usually like to meddle, even I could see the sparkle in her eyes when she looked at you. I'm not talking Foucault's Last Conundrum here. I mean, this is a rudimentary equation, so why aren't you performing the obvious solution? Do the math, Diffy.

•BEEP •


	36. BOGO HOS

Disclaimer: Do you know what Disney XD ran instead of Phil of the Future this month? Halloween Town -- it's March, for Pickford's sake! Oh, and while I don't own Phil of the Future, this is the 36th chapter in 24 days! An average of 1.5 BEEPs daily, what a great way to spend the month.

**Here's the second part of SlickNickShady's BEEP saga:**

•BEEP •

Hey, Grady. You had a blast at the Pickford Planetarium with Grace? Stellar. Um, me and Keely complicated? Hold on a second. I need to have a word with Keely.

Ok, back. Just be glad she didn't hear your message to me. Anyway, we are the best of friends. That's, yeah, that's the reason it's so complicated. You are a good guy, Grady, but, if you were so sure about Keely and I, why did you make passes at her in Advance Math? I just told her you were not used to pretty girls being in advanced math. I mean. Doh. Don't tell any of the girls in advanced math I said that, especially Grace. Anyway, after I said that, of course, she got all mushy and gave me a nice, big hug, so I guess I should be thanking you. So, as much as Keely and I would love to accompany the both of you to the Pickford Planetarium, it sounds like that should be your and Grace's special place. Anyway, I got to go, cuz Keely is getting impatient, says this halter top sale won't last forever. It's the buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and we can't miss it. She. She can't miss it. I gotta go.

•BEEP •


	37. Ah—Ah—Ah—CHOO!

Disclaimer: I come here for a booster shot because I haven't yet built up an immunity for not owning Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hello. This is Mrs. Lloyd Diffy. My daughter, Pim Diffy, won't be coming to school for the rest of the week because she has a bad cold. Very bad. Eruptingly bad. Nose lava is gushing out everywhere and you wouldn't want her there without a bucket and a very large mop. Don't bother sending her homework home with my brother -- _my son_, Phil Diffy, because ... because ... 'cause since I -- _she_ wasn't in class -- well, how could she do homework about lessons she missed? Duh. And, uh, same goes for her 5th period book report on Wuthering Heights and 6th period political science test -- I mean, in another hundred years, who's going to care a flying fig about health care reform, am I right? Over and out. Sayonara. I'm out of here. I wonder what cartoons are on now ...

•BEEP •


	38. I Know Your Secret

Disclaimer: Can you keep a secret? I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Phil Diffy, I know your secret. You're from the future, but you can't return. You have access to amazing technology which you're going to hand over to me. Tomorrow, you're going to place your Wizrd, NewAger, InstaMorph, Invisaspray, and your skyak in locker 2121 at Wells. You will tell no one. You _w**ILL-Za**arKK-NG-Ng-ng-ng Rat snacks. I hate it when the voice modulator on my Wizrd fades out. Okay, Phil, you got me. I knew you'd be on your toes for my pranks on April Fool's Day -- bet I had you watching your back all day yesterday -- HA!-- but your guard was bound to be down today. It would have worked, too, if it wasn't for my stupid wizrd. Don't matter, Diffy, cause I'll get you next time. BWAH-HA--HA-HA!_

•BEEP •


	39. Nosy Neighbor

Disclaimer: Were you watching me to uncover if I own Phil of the Future. Let me save you some time. I don't.

•BEEP •

Mr. and Mrs. Diffy. This is your next-door neighbor, Vice-Principal Neil Hackett. I'm calling as a concerned and sympathetic neighbor -- is your daughter on drugs? I'm not calling in my official capacity as a school official dedicated to Pim's growth and well being; I'm calling because I can see her in your backyard through my hedge and I find your child's behavior disturb-- more disturbing than usual -- she's freakin' me out, scaring me silly, giving me the willies. Have you checked her eyes lately? Is she up until all hours of the night? Do you know what she does behind her closed bedroom door? I can see her right now, talking to herself or some imaginary demons her poor chemically imbalanced mind has conjured up. There! There she goes again -- swinging a garbage bag at her phantom opponents! Does insanity run in your family? How about on Lloyd's side? Whatever's inside that trash bag better not land on my side of our fence! It's your responsibility. Have you even noticed that property values have been plummeting since I moved into the neighborhood? This house is worth half what it was before I moved in. I blame it on your children's strangeness-es-es. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to have dinner with my dog.

•BEEP •


	40. Tia And Roger Nutchie?

Disclaimer: I don't own PotF, an automatic pudding dispenser or even an amazing eraser.

•BEEP •

Hello? Tia? This is Roger -- Roger "the King" Nutchie. You did a great job demoing my portable changing room at the invention expo. Now that I've won, again, for the forth time, I thought maybe you'd like to work together again. You see, I've been tinkering with an idea since you started working for me, and, are you free Saturday? Ten A.M., my garage, don't be late, and, oh, don't tell that dip, Diffy, because I want you all to myself. Wear something shiny and tight, Tia, 'cause I'll be all over you with my newest invention, the automatic snowsuit remover.

•BEEP •


	41. Keely's Korner Kalamity

Disclaimer: I don't own Fill of the Future.

**Author's Note:** 68 Reviews. Thank you, Reviewers! By far, the most any of my stories has ever received! The time and effort you've offered are much appreciated, as are the chapters contributed by fellow PotF writers! **Thank you, one and all!**

•BEEP •

Hello? Keely? It's Jenna, Long time listener, first time caller. I love your new show, Keely's Korner. I've purchased several each of your products; you're a great sales person! Scrunchies, tube socks, even the industrial strength necklaces, though heavy, were stylin'. I'm so happy I watch your show. I have, however, been remorseful over my more recent purchases. The mop wigs will never be donned by anyone ever again after what the cat did to them -- if you have any cats, then you know -- that smell just won't come out! I'm returning these for refund; I bought the Five-Days-A-Week Wig package. It's the umbrella skirt which has been the most disappointing, though. Boys can't approach me -- no more hugs and kisses from my boyfriends. (Well, if I had a boyfriend.) Sure, it sounded great in your pitch, about not being crushed on the bus or in lines, but the first time I walked past an outlet and one of the skirt's metal tips at the end of the umbrella's ribs slipped between a plug's prongs -- well, the Keely Teslow I've heard of would have done an investigative report on the dangers of wearing umbrella skirts. Just imagine if you were wearing one and were caught in a lightning storm! Enclosed in the bill from the emergency room covering their treatment of my electrical burns, along with my receipt for seven umbrella skirts. Please don't be shocked, but I need you to reimburse me this week or my Mom's going to call the Pickford Better Business Bureau. (Something about selling dangerous novelty products without a license. I didn't even know you could apply for a license to sell dangerous beauty products.) Please get the money to me by Friday, and, if you could, tickets for your next Keely's Korner. I'm still your biggest fan. It's my mom who's making me leave this message. See you at school tomorrow, Keely, at least for your latest Keely's Korner. Aluminum foil vests, Right? See ya.

•BEEP •


	42. I Smell Cabbage

Disclaimer:According to the fine print, I don't actually own Phil of the Future. Imagine.

•BEEP •

This message is for an "N. Hackett." This is Handsome Town Headwax returning your call. We're sorry you're unsatisfied with our purchase of our El Tigre Scalp Wax; however, as you have broken the seal of the carton, we cannot accept the return of any of the thirty tubs of El Tigre. If you'll read the fine print on your packing slip, you'll see that you were informed of this in writing before you opened the box. As to your claim that it is the scent of cabbage from the El Tigre Scalp Wax which is driving women away from you, have you ever considered what the ladies were doing before you waxed up? Our independent research has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that women find the aroma of pickled cabbage baking in the sun as possessing aphrodisiac qualities. As to your additional claim that you have had no noticeable hair growth since applying our product, again, we do not dispute this. Rather, we refer you to the small print, paragraph 23 which plainly reads

_"El Tigre Scalp Wax will moisturize your scalp, and rejuvenate your tired pores, providing you with the renewed self-confidence that only comes from new hair growth."_

Nowhere in our declaration is it stated how long this new hair growth will take place, nor how long it will last. You're a youngish man, Mr. Hackett, and you're are still in the possession of an additional 29 full jars of our quality natural product. In your message, you claim to be a vice-principal in Pickford. If that's true, then we're certain you'll be encouraged by the results of a professional colleague of yours, the vice-principal of Handsome Town High School. He's not only a user of El Tigre Scalp Wax, he's also our local spokesman -- his wife is our national spokeswoman! We look forward to hearing from you in the future when you will possess the luscious head of hair you desire from using our product, just as they do. We offer your follicles our best wishes, results may vary, yadda, yadda, yadda; refund not approved.

•BEEP •


	43. Charmer

Disclaimer: "Mandy? It's CraftyNotepad again on line two. I know, I know. Yes, same message about not owning Phil of the Future, whatever that means. Oh, and Mr. Phipps has cancelled all his appointments with you. What's that about?

•BEEP •

Mrs. Teslow? This is Mr. Phipps. I'm not a "charmer?" If I am not, Mrs. Teslow, you most certainly are not a charmer. Those houses you've been pushing have lacked the very essence of charm. Indeed, they are nightmares well into the making. I've saved for too long to be in the position to afford a home of my own to have someone the likes of you attempt to push someone else's troubles on to me, then insult me when you couldn't pick my pocket fast enough for your liking by way of a fat commission. Consider this official notice of my severing my ties with your "service." As you'll not get one more penny from me, Mrs. T, I'll grant you a bit of advice: effervescent enthusiasm is not a replacement for sincerity. High school is over, so act your age and stop coming across as a grinning, bubble headed cheerleader trying to sell a losing team as great to paying spectators just so you can make a buck. I am not an idiot; you should not have treated me as one. You are an intelligent woman, which is what attracted me to hire you in the first place. Use that natural brilliance and tenacity to focus on delivering better results for the clients you still have, instead of trying to replace the business you've lost from me. Do so and I predict you'll shine once more, else, I predict it will cost you more such losses in your coming days. I wish you better fortune in your near future.

•BEEP •


	44. From The Episode Where Phil Gets Stoned

Disclaimer: When this cord is drawn it will reveal to all that I don't own Phil of the Future. Darn.

•BEEP •

Pickford Lawn Ornaments 'R' Us? This is your mayor. What in the Friar Fred have you done? Practically the entire town is here and all these registered voters were expecting their favorite famous friendly friar ... and you delivered Phil Diffy? Did you think no one would notice the Diffy-ence? Gadzooks! This is a tragedy! This is an outrage! Don't you comprehend what you've done? You've cost me the election! You, you ... it was former Mayor Percy, wasn't it? Yeah, he got to you. I always knew he was a poor loser, but I never even thought he would stoop so low as to resort to Diffy-fying our town monument. I promise you both, there will be an investigation. Heads will roll, names will be taken, and I -- I mean, "Friar Fred," will be avenged! KIDS! KIDS! CLIMB DOWN OFF THAT STATUE! IT'S GOING BACK AND IT'S NOT PAID FOR. (Sigh) You will deliver our flagstoned friar in exchange for this petrified picture of teenagerness in thirty minutes or less -- while the reporters are still here, or I'll be sending these news hounds in your direction next. Yeah, try stonewalling the Fifth Estate, you chiseler. It's now 9:15; you have 29 minutes and counting or our statue is "free."

•BEEP •


	45. If You See Them Again

Disclaimer: No, I'm not pranking you. I really don't own PotF.

•BEEP •

"Hi Mr. Diffy. Remember me, Kyle Speckle? I've been on a twelve-mile hike up here at military school and, boy, are my dogs tired. Anyways, I wanted to ask you where you heard the Petunia Smuck likes me a lot. She sure doesn't show it and Kristy hasn't even looked at me twice since we were over at your house. Give me a call back. 555-8765. Just leave a message for Cadet Speckle. I was in Pickford again last week and I was about to ask Mrs. Diffy and your kids, but I looked the other way at a cute girl and when I turned to ask, everyone had vanished. Weird, huh? When you see them again, tell 'em 'hi' for me. Okay?

•BEEP •


	46. Pimmy's In Trouble

Disclaimer: No contest -- I don't own PotF.

•BEEP •

This is Vice-Principal O'Donnell. This morning, I'm out here in breathtaking Altaluma with our H. G. Wells Jr. / Sr. High School fast walking track team and we appear to be without our star athlete. I hope you're all right, Miss Diffy. If your family's car is broken down along the way, you have my permission to run, not walk, _RUN!_ The events start in fifteen minutes. Perhaps you'd like to join the team on the bus for next week's fast walking invitational in Petaluma? Please call me back. 555-1212. If nothing else, I'll see you in school Monday, Pim.

•BEEP •


	47. Feeds 500

Disclaimer: No matter how many spices and seasoning I add, it doesn't help. I just can't swallow the notion that I own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

This is Miss Navin. Is this the Diffys' house? Hello. Is anyone there? Thought I'd try in case you were screening your calls. Calls. I'm calling. Oh, the reason I'm calling is to thank you for signing the culinary completion affidavit. I must say, I've never tasted anything so rich and unique as this Pim Loaf -- I can't even taste the pimentos. Would you be willing to share the recipe? I'm writing my own cookbook and this would really spice up the meat loaf chapter. I'm curious; Pim wouldn't say, but why -- and I'm not complaining by any means -- did you send her with such an enormous sample as evidence of her preparing her repast? This could feed an entire army, or the first string of the football team. I must have the recipe. Call me.

•BEEP •


	48. Hermione Beseeches Her Muse

Disclaimer  
There once was a show about a tomato-y town,  
Where resided nary a frown.  
Tho' viewers thought forever it would last,  
It fell into the past.  
That I don't own it dost bring me down.

•BEEP •

Mr. Diffy, you were simply enchanting today in class. So free, intrepid, and confident. I must confess, when you serenaded me with your quatrain, it made me blush. I wonder if you have any photos left of your abstract dance performance. There's this prose magazine that I've been attempting to have my own work published in for years -- I just know with pictures of your prancing, Mr. Diffy, they'd finally print my poems. Until we meet anew, my precious "Teacher's Pet."

•BEEP •


	49. This Little Piggy

Disclaimer: Barbara Diffy has four toes on each foot, I have five, Marilyn Monroe sported six. What do we all have in common? All are considered beautiful and none of us owns Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Harry? This is Neil Hackett from the UFO Club. Congratulate me; the Silver Pheasant Award is as good as mine. Whoopie! I have proof positive of aliens right here in my backyard. Yes, I know I've told you that before, but I really did have a close encounter with out worldly creatures in the back of my property. I did. As a matter of fact, quite a few strange goings on have been happening since I moved next to the Diffys. Anyway, the aliens --they look just like us, except for their feet -- I have footprints in my yard after all that rain we've been having. Some big feet, some smaller ones, but the smaller ones have only four toes! This is absolute proof that four-toed aliens are right here in Pickford and are chasing five-toed humans, probably to beam away to do experiments on them ... I--I -- Ay, yi, yi! I could be next! I was going to ask you to come on over and make plaster casts of these funny footprints; maybe me and Roswell could stay at your place for a few months instead?

•BEEP •

Couldn't resist, Nick. I became inspired while we were chatting and this just wrote itself. Next one is the big Five-Oh!


	50. Pim's Late

Disclaimer: The first 50 are the easiest. If you don't believe me,  
then you try to come up with 50 different ways  
to proclaim the following:

Own not I Phil of the Future.

(Rat Snacks!)

•BEEP •

This is Mrs. Phipps, the librarian at H. G. Wells. Miss Diffy, have you been receiving my notes? You have several book long overdue. You are, in fact, the record breaker of overdue books, far exceeding Seth Wosmer's thirteen weeks in the possession of "The Naked Truth About Numbers." I'm weary of writing you notes, Pim. According to library records, you have the following twenty-one overdue books:

Friar Fred: A Man With a Mission

Bulldozer Operation For Dummies

So, You Want To Be A Dictator? -- a how-to guide for girls in six easy steps!

Cleopatra: a beautiful ruler with one fine asp

King Ron Popeil: inventor of the infomercial

Spackling Stuff For Fun!

White Lung: Monitoring Health Risks of Chalk Dust

A Sucker Is Born Every Minute: tricks of the trade of P. T. Barnum

Survival Cooking With Your Microwave Oven -- a guide for latch key kids

Incendiaries For Kids -- make your own stink bombs and fireworks at home!

Con Artists: History's Greatest Flim-Flam Masters

Legends Of the Lost Gold Mine Of Kidd Rock

1990 Soil Survey Analysis of Pickford Adjacent

Greed Is Good -- How-To Play With Other People's Money

So She Wants To Be Your Pal -- 1001 Ways To Discourage the Annoyingly Perky

Crocheting For Beginners -- 100 Different Loopholes

The IFR* Encyclopedia of Retribution

How To Get Your Brother's Face On the Side Of a Milk Carton ... Without Getting Caught

So They Just Won't Divorce -- How To Deal With Your Parents' Public Displays Of Affection

Blonde Bombshells: Hair Care For The Insanely Curly

Your First Boyfriend -- the care and feeding of your new pet

Return the following by tomorrow morning and I'll waive all fees, Miss Diffy. If not, please be advised that the following morning Mr. Hackett is initiating his new "get tough on book hogs." Your picture will be on the morning report as queen of the pigpen, rendered on a swine's body while a listing of your overdue books scroll past that image, along with a plea to H. G. Wells students and staff to help this little piggy find her missing books. I expect one of two possible futures: either I'll find that these books are all returned tomorrow, or you're liable to find yourself with a new nickname, some of a porcine reference, my little pi-Pimmy.

•BEEP •

*Institute For Revenge (also Pim's favorite movie after her Galacta Girls!)


	51. Tanner's Traumatized

Disclaimer: For a limited time only, I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Mr. Kirkpatrick? This is Ms. Jenkins of the Pickford Petting Zoo. I'm sorry to have to call -- again, but we have your son here and he's disrupting the petting zoo experience for the other children. Please, can you come and pick up as soon as you get this message? He fine, but he's sweating "blue" through his shirt --is that normal for him? Sonny, come here and tell your father what happen. You'll have to stop crying, so she'll -- I'm sorry, Mr. Kirkpatrick, but he won't come to the phone right now, but you have my word that he's fine. No lamb licking was involved this time, but he was touched in his privates. No people were involved, unless you count the children and their parents watching; it was just an amorous goose that, er, goosed him. He just kept rocking himself back and forth muttering something about he'll get even her. I told him that it was a boy goose, but that just seemed to make things worse, and now he won't stop crying. Please come immediately and, pretty please, from now on maybe you should limit Tanner only petting the stuffed animals in the gift shop.

•BEEP •


	52. Miss Levy Is Their Biggest Fan

Disclaimer: Not owning Phil of the Future is like strumming my washboard without a pick. It hurts.

•BEEP •

_Hello Diffys!_ Mr. D, may I congratulate you upon your fab concert today? _It was simply F.A.B.!_ You really had me guessing what you were going to do right up until Pim and Phil joined you on stage -- did I detect a touch of stage fright? Pim, I loved your glasses. Nice job, too, Phil. I'm so happy all of you joined in -- that was a first for our lecture series. _Jeepers, that was cool. _You were all super-duper! Now, about this application you filled out to perform in an assembly again, could you explain it in any detail? All you wrote down were a couple of words and they have me confounded -- do the monkeys juggle or do you juggle the monkeys? Either way, your children could accompany the juggling with music -- how about a playlist of songs by the Monkees?!! _That's be so far-out!_ I'd say this one will make you all H. G. Wells top bananas.

•BEEP •


	53. Third Place

**Author's Note: Volunteered BEEPs submitted by fellow PotF writers now have titles listed in all CAPS for easier locating.**

Disclaimer

Curtis's favorite music?  
Rock.

Favorite candy?  
Pop Rocks.

Favorite furniture?  
Rocking Chair

When asked what his age is?  
He answers "Stone Age"

Genre of stories and movies he enjoys?  
Sedimentary Ones.

His favorite hand soap?  
Lava

His favorite rock after dinner?  
Rock Candy

What type of door or window does he prefer?  
Agate

His reaction to Disney cancelling PotF?  
Stoning is too good for them.

His feelings when I admit I don't own Phil of the Future?  
He feels "chert."

•BEEP •

CONGRATULATIONS! This is K.I.D.D., KIDD Rock Radio, and you're the third place winner in our awesome new jingle contest, thanks to your entry: "Don't KIDD yourself -- KIDD ROCKS!" Sorry, no, you didn't win our first place prize, an all expense paid trip to Iceland to see the Northern Lights up close and personal, or second prize, a chance to dine on real French fries in Paris along the Champs-Élysées, but third prize is all yours, Winner! Plus, we'll be having your jingle professionally set to music and recorded so you and your friends can hear it broadcasted every third day on KIDD Rock Radio! Oh, your prize, right -- well, it's nothing international, but it's also nothing that will require inoculations before dining. I hope you have someone special in your life because you've been awarded dinner for two in a semi-secluded booth at Pickford's own Coco Palace, followed by a couple of front row seats at this weekend's concert by Lady X's former band, now know as Remaining Alphabet. Thank you for entering the contest and remember to always tune your radio to "99.9 FM, the station where every 'KIDD Rocks!'"

•BEEP •


	54. Potato Pals

Disclaimer: Unlike the** French**, **Julienne**, sometimes I get so** hot** and **fried** that I don't own Phil of the Future, that I just feel **boiling** mad, even though I know it doesn't make me **a-peelin'**.

•BEEP •

Gosh, Mrs. Diffy, Master "D" here. I had such a great time with you today, it was almost like having Pim along! Who would have guessed that you loved spuds as much as I do? Partakers of the Pickford Potato Fair will be talking about this day for a long time -- you were magnificent. Just how many blue ribbons did you win in all? I remember the potato shot-put needed three tape measures to determine your terrifically tuber 222 feet -- definitely a record! And, Mrs. Diffy, you're so artistic -- I see where Pim gets her ... detail oriented-side ... those were two of the cutest sculpted potato earrings the judges had ever imagined possible. How did you get the details so exact? Usually, everyone's sculptures just look like peeled potatoes, but yours -- no one had every seen Friar Fred and the Pickford Mission tooled in tuber before! _Starch-o-rific!_ Sorry you didn't win at the potato cooking contest, but take heart, yours is the very first "Honorable Mention" ribbon ever awarded in that event -- no one had every seen french fries that color before! I bet you'll walk away with a blue ribbon instead of a white participation one next year in the potato mashing contest. I really think you should have taken my advice in the potato vat because keeping your socks on made it slipperier and really slowed you down. Don't feel blue though, because I'm coming right over to award you a special blue ribbon from me for being my best pal today and peeling me out of my potato costume (I was a Russet) so we could be in the three-legged potato sack race together -- We won! Yippee! I still don't know how you could move so fast after winning the mashed potato eating contest. Yeah, next year the Potato Fair officials aren't going to recycle the mashings from the barefoot vat mashings to be used in the eating contest ... so just think how much more happier your face will look when you defend your title next year! Maybe Pim will be able to join us, too. See you soon, Partner!

•BEEP •


	55. Heavy Is The Head Which Wears The Crown

Disclaimer: Maybe with a royal decree I could one day own PotF?

•BEEP •

Lady Teslow, with only eight more months 'til Christmas, we thought we'd give ourselves a ringy-dingy to remind us of our itinerary as our reigning Yuletide Princess. We're afraid our records show we haven't yet mailed out the remaining thank you letters to merchants and individuals who donated merchandise, labor and money during last year's Santa's Toy Bag drive. Come now, Princess, 72 down and only 138 more to go. On Saturday, we're at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the grand reopening of Pickford's Paper Clips -- hard to believe it's been almost four months since mysterious magnetic mass migration of their entire inventory -- right around the time of the Yuletide Ceremony -- investigators never could explain what could have caused such an enormous electromagnetic field to have run through our fair town. The following day, Keely, we'll be regally wearing our crown at Pet Adoption Day at Wilma's Worm World; don't get our gown dirty, Dear. The Pageant Committee does not reimburse for cleanings. The next weekend we'll be joining the Committee, along with previous crowned princesses, to begin the selection of candidates as your successor. Remember that inspiring tale you told at last year's tree lighting ceremony? You were so delightful -- yeah, the Pageant is restricting all such public speeches in the future, so we should speed through this year's selection screenings now that both public speaking and the opinion portions have been dropped from the process. Suppose we'll have to invite the Prince, too. If only he wasn't such a diva. (sigh) He'll probably bring along his pooch. Alright, that's all for now, your Majesty. Oh, and remember to get a good night's sleep and lay off the chocolates, we don't want our picture in the paper plastered with pimples and dark circles under our eyes, now do we?

•BEEP •


	56. The Queen Is Dead, Long Live the Queen

Disclaimer: I know! It's so 2005, but I still don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Candida? Fiona. Are you dying? Were those really real slimy worms you shoved in your mouth? You didn't chew, did you? Gawd. I'd be embarrassed to death if I were you. Bad enough to pitch worms in your pie hole, but to be one-upped by Pim-ple Diffy ... you poor thing. Social suicide. Aren't you mortified just thinking of stepping into the halls at H. G. Wells again? Didn't you say you had an aunt in Handsome Town? I'll just bet you could stay with her for a little while so this could be forgotten, eventually. You already know a lot of cute football players there -- Jake's there, isn't he? Don't be even a little concerned about our exclusive clique. You're always welcomed back to take charge and I'll take such good care of them until you return. Oh, gotta go; the girls just came by to gossip. See you soon if you -- when you come back, Candida. Buh-bye.

•BEEP •


	57. Manny's Got Keely's Back

Disclaimer: What an awful fortune cookie! It reads: You don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hi Keely. This is Manny, from the lodge's soirée. When you come to pick up your check, Ms. Fishbrine's wanted me to remind you to drop off your apron. You did pretty good for your first time out being a busgirl. Next time, less jabbering with the guests. Try sucking on a piece of hard candy to remind you not to speak. Yeah, there'll be a good next time, if you want it. I thought you were goofin' a couple of times, but considerin' what went on later, I figure you knew what was what and were just tryin' to keep a lid on things. I saw you dancin' with that boy later -- friend of yours? He's -- different -- lucky to have you for a friend -- just try and -- aw, forget it! I thought it was hilarious when he started throwing food at the mayor. Wish I'd done it. I never voted for the smillin' faker. Listen, Kid, anytime you want to bus for Ms. Fishbrine, just let me know and I'll put in a good word for ya. Don't worry if she gives you some grief when you pick up your paycheck, cuz you're "A-okay" with me, Keely. Tell your dance partner I said you two looked right together and that he should do less climbin' -- that fall had to hurt. See ya.

•BEEP •


	58. Grace Reports To Her Matchmaker

Disclaimer: Darn noble elements refusing to share their electrons, just like the people who own Phil of the Future don't want to share ownership with me. Darn.

•BEEP •

Keely, it's Grace! You're wonderful! I had the best time tonight with Grady. "Grace and Grady," "Grady and Grace" -- don't we already sound like a couple? Not sure if I'm crazy about "Gracie Spaggett-ti" though ... Grady's so brilliant; he's certain to have a solution. After all, no one calls him -- that -- that word. Oh, Keely, we had the most wonderful night after we left for the observatory -- he's a listener, you know? Even though Grady was your date and just noticed me for a few minutes in the back of Phil's house, it was like he had been thinking about me forever. Oh, my gosh, Keely -- Phil! Was he crushed? You're such a good friend to play E.R. with his heart after I broke it. Sorry I dumped in on you like that, but it was just -- Grady, he -- we were so caught up on the moment -- you understand? What am I saying? Of course, you do! You were there and saw everything. OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, KEELY TESLOW!! You -- actually, now that I come to think about it, you really didn't do anything. I mean, you changed my looks and all to attract Phil while Grady was the man for me -- how could you miss something that huge? And you call yourself a "matchmaker?" Phil Diffy? What were you thinking? Why'd you want to help me hook up with Phil? Between you and me, he's no Grady Spaggett. "Spaggett" ... "Spaggett" ... such a noble name. "Grace Spaggett." Yeah, I think it sounds beautiful -- much better than "Gracie Diffy." Yeech! Still, if you see Phil -- and who are we kidding? You're going to see Phil -- tell him "I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I had a lovely time." See you in chem, Keely. Say, you and Phil are lab partners, too -- have you ever considered ... nah, that's just a crazy idea.

•BEEP •


	59. Return To Where It All Began

Disclaimer: Maybe we need to ask Disney to do something special this year, like rebroadcasting Phil of the Future episodes -- it's a long wait still until Halloween and Christmas roll around and they dust off a couple of episodes to fill up their 2:30am time slots. How about the "Save PotF" movement revamped just to get the existing episodes back on the airwaves? Anyone else want to help? I'd do it myself, but I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hallo mein freund. Everything at Otto's Pink Pig will be ready as you asked. Very romantic. Four o'clock tomorrow, the booth, it is yours. Die setting, just as you asked, right down to die carrot sticks and die olives. Sumpthin' lighter then die überplatter? A small plate of schnitzel for two to share? It crushes centuries of Bavarian tradition, but for love, yes, we will even serve -- ugg -- cream cheese in celery sticks. Sheesh. Diet food in Gunter's restaurant -- what will people say?!! I try not to think about it. Music? Yes, we can do slow dance music on die accordians instead of polka -- not much call for that, but we give you romantic dance music and the starlight mirror ball. Ahh... your one year anniversary -- beautiful! If your lovely fräulein asks me any questions, Phil, do not worry, mein freund. I will say what I always say, "I know nothing. Nothing!"

•BEEP •


	60. Chicken Little

Disclaimer: Don't look to up above for answers. I already know I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Pickford Penny Pincher? The sky calling -- I mean, the fly is stalling. No, not right. Falling. YES! That's it. Oh, my, the sky is falling. Somebody pick up! This is Deborah Hortense Berwick and I'm out here covering the wedding in the Pickford Snob District and we're being pelted from above. Oh, the humanity! Oh, Nana! Oh, ... wait a second ... the bride's gown -- those -- these are just grapes. Grapes! Somebody's peppering grapes on the bridal party from above, but there's nothing in the sky, not even a solitary cloud. Maybe some maniacal laughter, but that's it. Speaking of "that's it," this is the last time I'm covering a wedding. From now on, I'm sticking to little kids' birthday parties where the worse that happens is a costumed character attacking another one occasionally.

•BEEP •


	61. Don't Answer That

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future, but at least I'm not in deep dung like the H. G. Wells' Astronauts' quarterback Longfellow.

•BEEP •

Bruno Longfellow! I'm so insulted I could just spit! Such language, and from you! Does your mother know that you use potty language? I don't care if you did get this cell phone number off the boys' bathroom wall, that's no excuse for the message you left. I've never been so embarrassed in all my life! I think I'll play this back for your mother and father and see if they agree with me. You're a bad, bad boy and I'm only glad that I grabbed by daughter's cell phone by mistake, so Keely didn't have to hear this from you. Expect to be apologizing to lots of people, Bruno. I'll see you later.

•BEEP •

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Boris Yeltsin had a couple of questions about this BEEP. You might, too, so I thought I share my answer to him:

* * *

It's from the opening of "Where's the Wizrd?" 

"I used it to erase a girl's phone number off the boys' bathroom wall," Phil recalls.

"Oh? Whose number?" Keely asks with a gossipy smile.

{RING- Keely's cell phone rings}

_"DON'T ANSWER THAT!"_ (The title for this BEEP.)

Keely makes the connection and somewhat nervously puts away the phone.

.

I've wondered for a while what message was left on Keels' cell. Who at prim and proper H. G. Wells would dare dial:

For a Good Time  
Call Keely  
555-0139

After all, post-Tanner, Keely has only eyes for Phil. The whole school knows they're a couple, even if they don't. Well, who? Owen? Then it came to me, quarterback Bruno Longfellow! Sure, he always seems to refrain from cursing, whether on the air with Keely doing an interview, or afterward. Polite, clean cut, a football star, for gosh sakes, but he did ask Keely out AND he did try to feel her up twice in Phil's darkened garage -- he's not the gentleman, after all. Perfect. What could he have said in his message? Well, the most uncharacteristic thing for Mr. Non-Potty Mouth to say was something lewd, reflective of the bathroom poetry in a boys' bathroom stall, and a fellow named "Longfellow" probably has the tongue to put the blue vocabulary (from, he claims, his fellow football players time spent a Lake Potty Mouth) to use here.

But how to make it funny? Simply putting a twist in by having Mandy Teslow mistakenly grab the wrong cell and playing back the voicemail provided the device, then it was a matter of not identifying her until the end of the BEEP, so the reader could think her her daughter instead. So, the ending would be Mrs. T. as a particularly proper Pickford parent taking charge of the situation -- guess the saying is true and it really does take a village to raise a football star. Hope this explanation helps. It's certainly longer than its BEEP.

CraftyNotepad


	62. Dead Man's Hand

Disclaimer: No bluff. I don't own Phil of the Future, but discarding that fact, please enjoy the following.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Courtesy of Boris Yeltsin's inquiries, check out the previous BEEP, "_Don't Answer That_," to get a behind-the-scene peek of the construction of a BEEP.

•BEEP •

Nathan? Bradley here. Listen, it looks as though I'm not going to make it to tonight's card game, and before you ask, "no," it's not because you invited crazy "Crash" Kirkpatrick the last two weeks. I don't care how much soda he brings or how much he loses; he's a second grader! I'm not, and you, you shave, or could if you wanted to! Our commitment to a height requirement for our guys' crazy eight's card night, while it sounded great as reverse discrimination, is actually a joke. Er, will you save me some of the peach sherbet I've been craving all afternoon? Really, I want to play tonight; it's just that I'm kind of tied up tonight by-WITH, with the little woman. It's part of the homework for family class. Understand? Otherwise, I'd be there to take -- Yes, Love Muffin ... Nathan, I can't talk anymore. See you next week at the usual time, if I'm lucky.

•BEEP •


	63. Ketchup Soda?

**AUTHOR'S NOTE and Disclaimer:** Rat Snacks! Bad enough I don't own PotF, but now I have to start watching Zeke and Luthor. After no new work on her resume for four years, Juliet Holland-Rose -- our Olivia "I prefer Via," is credited in four episodes playing a character named "Olivia,*" their new neighbor from England. _Gosh,_ it's great to see originality and creativity are alive and well on the Disney Channel! Well, they're pushing "Pebble In the Water," so at least they're recycling.

•BEEP •

Alright, Owen, enough. I give up. As flattering as your invitation is to help "break-in" your new car with a picnic in Tiger Woods, I must decline. Now, it's not you. It's Dad. My father simply put his foot down once he heard Mr. Woods' name mentioned. I do, however, have an alternative suggestion. I'd like to offer to take you under my tutelage for etiquette. For starters, at least at school, you must come to accept that ketchup is not a beverage; it is a condiment -- and I know what you think I just said and I didn't! A condiment is an additive enhancement to a food, such as salt, relish, or ketchup; the other is -- never mind; we'll stick to elementary table condiments and civilized dining. What say we have afternoon tea at the Coco Palace? No, on second thought, you should come practice at my house before I take you out in public. You can meet my pop. Must dash; Keely's here for our other project.

•BEEP •

*I thought Via was smart. What is she doing still in high school four years later?


	64. 2 Month Anniversary

Disclaimer: Happy? Of course, I'm Happy! No, I don't own Phil of the Future, but this is the two-month anniversary of BEEP!

Thanks Everybody! Just like Phil, I value loyalty and people I can believe.

•BEEP •

Hey, Keels. Got your present to me in my locker. Let me get a handle on this. Two-hour anniversary was salt and pepper shakers and new nicknames. Our two-day anniversary brought friendship bracelets which you renamed bonding bracelets. I'm sorry. I would have worn mine if you hadn't loaded it up with charms -- guys don't tinkle when they walk. For our fortnight, you treated us to matching jackets -- really, I like pink and orange, and now you've gone and purchased me a ... Keely, you know what? You've done so much already. Really, you've spoiled me; in fact, I think it's my turn to pick out our presents. What would you say to our getting matching tattoos, 22nd Century style? Empathy tattoos, they're kinda neat. The Wizrd puts the tattoo where only you can see it -- on the inside of one of your eyelids. Anytime you blink, you'll see a color representing my emotional state at that moment. It's sorta future mood ring, and if you don't like yours, I can wizrd it off in a jiff. Wish I could talk Mom into tagging Pim with one, sort of as an early warning system. Happy Anniversary, Pepper!

•BEEP •


	65. Bradley Dresses Up Like a Police Officer

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future or a conductor's baton.

•BEEP •

Mr. and Mrs. Farmer? This is Officer Krendle. Could you please come early to pick up Bradley at the recital? He's fine, but he claims some girl stole all his clothes, then locked him in a closet. So, that's assault, theft, false imprisonment, ... oh, and his conductor's wand thingy was taken -- theft again. I think it was just kids having fun. Bradley even mentioned that he was attracted to her. Again, your son is fine, but please come as soon as you can. See, I'm getting cold because Bradley's wearing my coat and it's getting dirty as he walks around and drags part of it on the ground. I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

•BEEP •


	66. Mr Messerschmitt's Test Anxiety

Disclaimer: The answer key tells me I don't own PotF.

•BEEP •

Mr. Messerschmitt? This is Emily Taritan. I'm sorry I missed second period again. Thank you for providing me with a pretest first, but I'm afraid the results are inconclusive. I'm willing to take a more thorough examination tomorrow, but I fear, unlike your tests, I won't wipe out. Just need a hall pass from you, and maybe a ride. I don't think we should send the test results to my parents yet, Adelaide.

•BEEP •


	67. Be a Pal, Okay? Okay!

Disclaimer: I think maybe yes, I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Hello Phil! This is your old gymnastics teacher, Coach Buchinsky. How are you? I am fine. It's a lie! Oh, Phil! With teacher salary cutbacks, I have moved out of my tiny little apartment. I think, maybe I live at school, sleep on sweaty wrestling mats, shower in stinky locker room, eat cafeteria food? Enough said. Makes me cry -- then, I think, "no." I remember my good friend Phil Diffy. At first, this makes me sad. Did I tell you I had to have new car keys made? I think, Phil Diffy ... I drove by his house. He has big motor home, but never goes on trips. RV just sits there. I think maybe you help your old coach, yes? I could be your neighbor, living in motor home, walking to school with you -- no bullies will pick on you with me beside you, Tovarish, except maybe your sister. (She gives me willies.) You ask your parents, Okay? Okay. OKAY!

•BEEP •


	68. Pim, the Agent

Disclaimer: You'd think that I could get a good bargain on buying Phil of the Future since even Disney doesn't broadcast it anymore, but no. I still don't own PotF.

•BEEP •

Hello, this is the Home Sweet Home Shopping Network. We at HSHSH recently received a sample audition of a competitor's video marketing show, Keely's Korner. Loved it! Anyone who can move that junk would be an asset to our organization. Televised rapport, poise, glamor, authority, yet retaining the girl-next-door essence -- this Keely has it all, especially if these numbers check out for her viewer sales. Yes, we're interested in acquiring Keely Teslow, but not "buying her" as your proposal suggests. We don't really buy and sell people. That's just an urban rumor; myth, really. We "rent," sometimes, but no buying. Not yet. Not that the price you're asking for isn't extremely tempting (you're really eager to move her immediately, aren't you?), because it is, but we don't ... you do understand, don't you? In this century, it's really not "legal." Maybe someday -- and then there's the shipping and handling problems -- our lawyers are still working on it ... please, have your people call us back, Miss Diffy, and we'll work out the details, and maybe you can go into depth with some of your other tantalizing prospects. Can you explain exactly what you meant by a "good deal on fashion zombie models?"

•BEEP •


	69. Fair Exchange For Truth?

Disclaimer: What's that up in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's skywriting and it says: I don't own PotF. (*&^%$#!)

•BEEP •

You're either desperate, joking, or insane, Mister. Neil, do you seriously think you can win the Silver Pheasant Award away from me? I had an actual abduction experience. What do you have offer? Photos of lights supposedly moving at great speeds over your neighborhood? A random 911 call about a flying trash can?Supposed experiences with reclaimed alien technology that you can't produce any supporting evidence for? Okay, your claim to have been attack by a wild man may have garnered you some local press, but he's hardly an alien -- there's actually a guy who looks a lot like him working in a hardware store downtown -- how's that for ordinary? And your chili ... actually, that's pretty good. Say, I'll trade you the bird for your recipe card -- I'll even sweeten the pot with myself and two other witnesses to support your story. You know, the truth is out there if we all agree it is. Whadaya say, Chef Boyardee?

•BEEP •


	70. Double Date?

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Kee? It's Vee. Look, I took your urging and asked a boy to the Ladies' Choice Dance. I'm going, but I'm nervous -- can we double? I guess I should tell you right out that I'm taking Phil -- I was so nervous asking him, because of you, but, face it, the rest of the boys at school are, well, BOYS. Keely, you're my best friend. Please, let me know that you're alright with this by meeting up with me, Owen, and Phil at Phil's house so we can all go to this dance together. I'll be waiting to hear from you; otherwise, I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll tell Phil that I've changed my mind and I'm not going.

•BEEP •


	71. Hamburger Helper

Disclaimer: Somebody please tell me who do I have to call to own Phil of the Future?

Author's Note: Special thanks to Boris and Nick for writing so many reviews to keep BEEP beeping. Wish more readers would follow your example. Thanks again!

•BEEP •

(SOB!) Uncle Walt? It's Frankie. I need you to pick me up at school. I'm kind of in a little trouble -- not for anything that happened during the school day. This was just at an after school activity, and I really didn't do anything to cause trouble; it was all Ramon's fault. See? That's the other thing. Carmen was suppose to come to the dance with the rest of the guys -- did I tell you that it was a dance? Anyway, Ramon came instead and, you know Ramon, not a people person. Nobody got gored, or hurt, or nothin', but they won't let me walk Ramon back home by myself. Can you bring your trailer? Don't tell Mom! She'd only get upset and act like a bull in a china shop ... uh, bad example. Thanks Unc, you're the coolest. Come quick or their going to send Ramon away with Animal Control and then it will cost a big fee to get him released. Right now, well, they have me cleaning up the steer droppings Ramon fertilized the main hallway with. They said this is all my fault, but that's a bunch of bullsh--

•BEEP •


	72. Let's See Pim Worm Out Of This One

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to worm out of anything. Clearly, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to come to the conclusion that I don't own PotF.

•BEEP •

This message is for Pim Diffy. Hi Pim. It's, uh, Snooger from Mr. Angst's biology class. Congratulations on being promoted to Captain of the Junior Science Squad. That was some presentation you made today; you really deserve the Captaincy. Um, if, uh, you want a first mate, I mean -- I didn't mean -- chunks! Me and you, we could (sigh) Pim, there's a Science Squad outing this weekend out at Ricki Lake -- wecouldgohuntingforannelidstogether, seeing how much you appreciate worms. You sure were spectacular squishing the Fashion Zombies' attitude in class -- just watch out for Candida! I don't think that's the forgiving sort of worm when turned, especially when she gets assigned much deserved detention. You sure were great today, Pim. See you at the lake, my captain!

•BEEP •


	73. I'm Taking A Sick Day

Disclaimer: My test results are back and they came out "negative." I don't own Phil of the Future. Chunks! I was hoping to be diagnosed with a chronic case of PotF, because I sure feel like I do. Think it's psychosomatic? Feel my forehead if you don't believe me!

•BEEP •

{COUgh, CouGH} hi henrietta. it's lloyd, lloyd diffy. i'm not feeling very well, so i don't think i'll be coming into the store today. I think I have some kind of disease; yeah, that's it. Probably that flu that's going around, um, "blue flu," "bird flu," "yellow fever," "red tide," "black death," one of those -- just the 24 hour kind. Don't worry or call the house or anything, cuz, because ... I'll be sleepin', yeah, and, uh, my kids are studying for school, and my wife and I .... Aw, I'm not really sick. Sorry, I know I'm not showing the Mantis Hardware team spirit; it's just that Barb is alone all day in this house and I want to take her out on a "play date" to feel appreciated and feel the sun on her face, to feel as vibrant and alive as she is to me. Boss, can I have today off? I'll work two Saturdays to make up for it. It's just that I can't bear seeing my wife sad like she is this morning.

•BEEP •


	74. Owen's Just Looking Out For Keely & Phil

Disclaimer: Phil of the Future? Yeah, Officer, I know I have the deed for that around here someplace. Maybe the dog ate it?

Author's Note: Just watched Zeke and Luther. Reflecting, I considered that I may have been to jaded about Juliet Holland-Rose being cast again as Olivia, the bright British girl who's just moved into town. Maybe, maybe it wasn't a lack of originality ... may haps it twas an homage meant simply to reach out to fans of her former series (you know which one I'm talking about)? Yeah, homage. Then, there was another homage as a model started poising as in catalog shots with camera strobes going off, then another as Luther telling him to work it, followed immediately by a display to impress the girl with close-up magic, and here comes Luther dog-sittin' a big canine ... ah,can you say "shades of Jake and Lloyd on Ladies' Choice dance night, Grady Spaggett's close-up magic, and Phil and Keely doggy sittin' service with Maximillian?" Yeah, "homage;" so much classier than "recycling." Guess I was all wrong about Disney last time.

•BEEP •

O-liva, it's O-wen. Hey, we made a pretty good team tonight getting those two lovebird together, didn't we? Too bad we didn't get to use a gigantic tarantula -- maybe next time? Speakin' of "next time" ... I don't know when the next dance is -- I'm new here, too, but I'm a little worried about our romance repair staying put. What say we double with Keely and Phil next time, too? Oh, and we should have the same plan, so things go smoother -- just in case. Meet me after classes at Harry's Hot Dog Heaven and I'll treat you to all you can eat while we play Cupid. O-kay, it's a date!

•BEEP •


	75. Via's Counter Offer

Disclaimer: Do you think maybe if I started spiking my hair like Ricky's I could own Phil of the Future?

•BEEP •

Oh, Owen. Admittedly, you impressed me tonight. I did not expect you to be so ... understanding, placing your interests to the wayside for the sake of getting Phil and Keely back together again. "All the king's horses ..." -- that was really sweet, Owen, but I have some trepidation regarding our "date," hot dogs not withstanding. If you truly wish to help me make certain those two are back together for good, I could use an accomplice in love ... that is not meant as it sounds. (Sigh) Compromise. We'll meet in the library to make plans -- regarding Keely and Phil. I'll bring some nuts, candy or gum for us to snack on. We can even call ourselves the "Cupid Conspiracy." Is that agreeable?

•BEEP •


	76. A Small Rebellion

Disclaimer: Please forgive me for not owning PotF -- at this time. I wonder when the Disney Channel is holding its next garage sale ...

•BEEP •

Tch-tch-tch! You're not the boss of us, Empress Pim! You may have organized us under your rule, made us jump through your hoops, tch-tch-tch!, but you're not as in control as you think you are. In your eyes, we maybe as small as, well, ants, but if you think you can order us around, causing fear and strife, then Mighty Pim, we have one thing to say to that: NUTS! The Squirrel Liberation Front is organized and united. We will not be subjugated by those less furrier than ourselves ever again. Oh, your white beard fooled us long ago, but never again will we be deceived by your kind. Though the Hamster Liberation Front may have moved on, the SLF upholds the same high standards of independence and dignity of our fur-bearing brothers. We will never allow you to sell us and our wee kits as attack squirrels, so you might as well try to be Queen of the Ants. Move on! You're done here, because we know what you are Pim Diffy. You see, if there's one thing a squirrel can recognize, Lady, it's a true nut!

•BEEP •


	77. You Say Potato, I Say Tomato Surprise

Disclaimer: Don't judge me too harshly just because I don't own Phil of the Future. Maybe a consolation prize? How about a Dress-Me Hoop?

•BEEP •

B. Diffy? I'm Mr. Fleet, Tomato Ranch Public Relations Director, and this year's Executive Coordinator at Pickford's Potato Festival. I'm not a judge, so I can tell you ahead of time that your sculpture of a jolly lady pig made me smile. Delightful, B. Diffy. She wonderfully captures the emotion of the Potato Festival; she even looks a little potato-y! Well done, and your first entry, too. The reason I'm calling is I'm afraid there might have been a mix-up in the registration forms. I'm just not confident that this is the title you've dedicated to your piece. "Expression of Pent Up Frustration" just doesn't seem to embrace the experience your art creation will treat viewers, too. Can I share a secret with you confidentially? The rest of the committee has been enchanted with your art and the happy feelings it seems to coax out of them; there's even talk of making your porcine sculpture the official mascot of this year's festival, replacing Percy, the Polite Potato. That's unprecedented, and if it happens _and I think it will,_ I don't see how the judges can not award you with the blue ribbon, but this is on the hush-hush, so keep it under your bonnet, as I say on the Ranch. But the title of your piece ...?

Now, I do have another entry by a P. Diffy coated in spackle (the submitted entry, not the artist) that embodies, nay, radiates frustration, accompanied by a deeply repressed inferiority complex only masked by an onslaught of materialism not witnessed since the Dot Com boom, perhaps even the 80s, but I'm not judging because I'm not a judge this year. Wait a tomato-pickin' minute -- B. Diffy, P. Diffy -- I wonder if that's "instigator Phil Diffy," tomato-throwin' scourge of my most recent Ketchup Days Celebration? Maybe you just better come down here, B. Diffy, and straighten out what you're calling your clay piggy yourself. It's a new Pickford Tomato Ranch Rule, I don't deal with Diffys anymore.

•BEEP •


	78. IT'S A QUARTER TO THREE …

Disclaimer: Aren't you tired of me admitting my absence of ownership of this particularly fine drama? No? Why not? Don't you think I am? Why are there so many question marks? How should I know? Did you know that I didn't even write this Beep? Didn't notice the capital letters in the title, did jah?

**Author's Note:** Yuki Sakura-chan is the author of this Beep. Yea! Enjoy a message from Phil many months in the near future in Sakura's first Beep! I just love authors who drop by with stories because they give a •BEEP •!

•BEEP •

(YAWN) Hey, Keels. Have you seen our old music box around here anywhere? The Baby is keeping me up, again, but that's alright. (YAWN) I know tonight is my turn, and it's about time you get to sleep like a baby for at least once, since you are always taking care of him. Say, remember when we used the Giggle to see how your future would turn out? You were so happily surprised to see your wedding ring. Happy Anniversary, Keely. Just don't think you're the only one who got everything ever wished for on a Giggle. I'm still say that I'm the luckier one, Keels, and I'll prove it to you when you get home ... if I can just find my music box. Do'h! Time capsule. Rat Snacks. I love you. Sleep well. Nightie-night. (yawn) 

•BEEP •


	79. Parents, You Have To Claim Them

Disclaimer: I'd pass one of Mr. Messerschmitt's killer tests if it'd get me ownership of PotF.

•BEEP •

Aidelaide, It's Mama and Papa! You haven't called or visited in so long, so guess what? We're coming to see you and your sister's family! Now, you know that Battina's house doesn't have an extra bathroom for your father, so we'll be staying with you. Don't worry, we're bring our own towels, presents, too and another surprise. Last season, we were visiting with the owners of the circus we last toured with when you were growing up with us, talking over old time, schmoozing with the performers, especially the clowns. You remember how Papa always loved to give those clowns advice. I think that if your father wasn't so happy on the trapeze, he'd have gone from class clown straight into clown college. Now, we're coming in tonight and we'll be staying -- get this -- for three weeks, but that's not even the best part ... wait for it, wait for it. Papa and I talked the owners into setting up the circus in your little Pickford while their star high wire act is in traction, instead of canceling their tour. They agreed on one condition. Do you think your mama can still fit into her tight spandex costume? Yes, Papa and I are taking our act out of mothballs. The Flying Messerschmitts will glide through the air with the greatest of ease once more. Now don't you worry, because we knew that you'd be concerned, but there's no reason to be. We've made arrangement for free tickets for all your students so you can treat them to a day at the circus to see your parents lit up by the spotlights. No, no, don't thank us. It was really some clown's idea. Perhaps you know him. He said he has family in Pickford and that his niece has a teacher named Messerschmitt. I don't remember her name, but he said you won't be able to miss their house, because every time he stops to visit, his family sets up the big top over their house. Now, that's a family that knows how to treat visiting circus royalty -- not that I'm expecting you to set up a tent just for your old folks. You're so busy and everything, probably too busy to get into costume and join us, and certainly too busy to pick up the phone to call your parents once in a while. Now, I know you've grown out of your old trapeze duds, but would it hurt you to throw on a school p.e. uniform and join us while we're still around? Okay, think about it. Bye for now, Buhbala. Papa needs to pull over and use the bathroom again. We love you and we'll be in tonight. Tah!

•BEEP •


	80. Keely Has Her House To Herself

Disclaimer: If Phil of the Future falls off the Disney Channel and Disney pretends not to notice, can I have it?

_**Author's Note:**_ Yeah, I hit all three, **bold**, _italicize_d, and underscore. It's that **BIG**. Boris Yeltsin is publishing his first PotF story and it's a multichapter extravaganza. To whet your appetites, here's a little Beep about what's forthcoming:

•BEEP •

Keely, I know you're a big girl and you're going to be alright until I return, but remember to check the deadbolts every night. Now, there's plenty of t.v. dinners and orange juice in the freezer - you can survive a little while without celery and cream cheese. Do me a favor and don't have any boys over, and before you ask, "Yes." Phil isn't just a friend, he's also a boy who's a friend ... boy. friend. Boy. Friend. Boyfriend? Keely, are you and Phil? Well, we're going to have a serious mother-daughter chat when I get back. Now, be good, Kitten, and be careful. I love you Raisinette. Bye. (Sniff)

•BEEP •s


	81. Berwick's Thing

Disclaimer: You seem very obsessed with ownership. Whatever happened to "enjoyment?"

•BEEP •

Nana? Pretty please, call Reba and let her know that I'll be a smidge late for our chess game in the park. It's not that she worries so, but she penalizes me pieces when I don't tell her I'm going to be late. I hope this doesn't cost me a bishop again. I need you, Nana, to come to school with my "thingy," because I'm feeling kind of run down and started to overheat, so Mr. Ginsberg sent me to the office and now Nurse Krinsky won't let me go back to class until I'm feeling better. You'll find my "thingy" on my desk under the script for "Magic Ballet Shoes." Now, make certain it's charged! Thanks Nana. I'll bake a special cupcake with your name on it - I just won't spell it with raisins.

•BEEP •


	82. Tia Visits

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future. Pretty expensive, I'll bet, probably even more than dinner for four in Carb City.

•BEEP •

Hey, Keely! Great seeing you again, even if we didn't hit the shops. Next time, 'kay? You looked great; Phil seems to agree with your. (snicker) I think I saw this coming from the start; you just seemed to want to adopt him, like some lost puppy. I'm glad you're happy and all, but you've changed some, Girl. I, mean, look - you're still ... it's just that, well, I miss you, the old you - US, really. We used to be inseparable, sisters, practically, and now? What was that you were wearing today? You know, you can still borrow anything from my closet that fits, Stretch. And where are the flowers you used to wear in your hair all the time? I didn't see any, just that ugly pendant around your neck. Your boyfriend has terrible taste in jewelry, Keel. An octopus? Your guy gives you a slimy squid-thingy pendant as an anniversary gift of your meeting. Sure, your salt shaker presents were totally lame, but his tastes are - EW! You know, I was there, too, and I don't remember eating any calamari. But I'm not worried, because I'll be back for the holidays. Maybe by then you'll have straightened Phil out, or I could always give you a herd of my old boyfriends to test drive. Catch ya later, Teslow!

•BEEP •


	83. Phone Call For Phil

Disclaimer: Do I own PotF? Nosey, ain't you?

•BEEP •

Hi ya. You don't know me, but I know you, Buddy. You're Phil Diffy and you go to H. G. Wells Jr/Sr. High School. Dark hair, killer smile and drop dead girlfriend. You two look happy together, Phil. Betcha you're going to have a great time at that pop concert in two weeks, even if the music is out of style - who listens to Lady X anymore, let alone actually goes to her concerts? Anyway, why do you think that short blonde in your life is a devil? I think she looks sweet, and your parents look more than happy; I'd say "devoted." Aren't they're tall? They don't seem to mind the devil girl nearly as much as you do. Look, I want you to have a good time at that concert, and I can tell you ain't 'xactly rollin' in dough, so don't even consider rewarding me - just call me back when I can drop off your wallet. See ya soon. 555-1221. Ask for Lucky.

•BEEP •


	84. Dr Pajamas and the Tooth

Disclaimer: Do I own PotF? No, and it's a cavity that only coming here can fill.

•BEEP •

Hello, this message is for Dr.Gennaro. 'Very funny, P. J.; prehistoric toothache; right. Listen up, Pajamas, you're going to have to a whole lot better than calling me over to see an invisible patient in order to win back the silver cuspid award for the best pranking. I'll give you points for originality, but you had no follow through, and that x-ray? I can see better fakes on the internet. Mind you, I don't know why you'd want the thing, it's just a plaque with a little cavity - hee-hee - that still cracks me up - but if you want to have some fun, let's pull the old differing opinion bit on my Thursday two o'clock. Nice lady, a bit high strung, named Mandy Teslow. See you this weekend for nine holes. Mentorman out.'

•BEEP •


	85. Mandy Gets It In the Dentist's Chair

Disclaimer: Do I own PotF? No, and it's a cavity that only coming here can fill.

•BEEP •

Hello, this message is for - 'Aw, Pajamas; do you still get nervous when patients scream? By leaving, you missed the best part! Mrs. Teslow completely bought our pitch and really thought we were going to either pull all her back teeth or perform twelve root canals. Remember her face? Ha-Ha! Okay, so to settle her down, I told her the appealing rubber gloves story I tell the kids when I need to distract them. You remember, don't you? How on an island in the South Pacific they heat up a big kettle of rubber tree sap, then islanders, chosen by their hand size, dip both hands in to make matching sets of different size gloves, a peeling them off when they're dry. She must have been really upset with you, P. J., because she didn't even smile at that great joke. I was ready to resort to giving her a free shot of nitrous oxide when she starting howling with laughter. I didn't remember the joke ever being that funny, so I checked to see if the valve on the tank was open and if she was alright. She grinned and told me, "I just figured out how they make condoms." That Teslow, she's alright. Remember, this weekend, nine holes. Mentorman out.'

•BEEP •


	86. NACHO WANTS TO CHECK OUT KEELY'S TALENT

Disclaimer: Testing, Testing; 1-2-3, 1-2-3; I don't own Phil of the Future; Do-Re-Mi, Depressing Me.

**Author's Note:** SlickNickShady returns with multiple BEEPs, fresh from being inspired after sharing words with Tim Maile and Doug Tuber.

•BEEP •

Sup, Corn? I was wondering if you wanted to check out the star competition at H.G. Wells. The performance at the Diffys' whet my appetite and I'd like to see if that little girl has the makings of a star. She has such a problem when it comes to audiences that it was hard to tell last night. Even though my neighbor Neil Hackett is suspicious of them, those Diffys actually seem like good people. Imagine turning your home into a theater like that for a neighborhood girl to practice singing just one song. Hit me back. Later. Nacho.

•BEEP •


	87. CORNELIUS COORDINATES THEIR SCOUTING

Disclaimer: Nacho (or mine) Phil of the Future.

**Author's Note:** SlickNickShady returns with multiple BEEPs, fresh from being inspired after sharing words with Tim Maile and Doug Tuber.

•BEEP •

Hey, Buddy. I'm surprised you would want to go to a high school talent show. You must still have your eyes peeled for the local talent to fuel that production company we are thinking of starting. Good going. I'm down. I'll call our hosts from last night and ask them to pick us up a couple tickets. See you soon, Nacho. Oh, and you do know that you won't be allowed to munch on nachos in the school theater, right? Lucky me, they always allow popcorn.

•BEEP •


	88. Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah

Disclaimer: Gimme a P! Gimme a ... you know what? Cheerleaders should spell harder words.

**Author's Note:** Disney damsels Aly and Ashley tried to re-ignite their careers in front of the camera in Hellcats yesterday. It actually came across as a Disneyesque pilot episode if you didn't count the belly buttons. Since this is a CW production, and not from the Mouse House, maybe there will even be the chance for some of our pals from Phil of the Future to share the little screen once more. Yeah, you know we all miss Seth. What? That's not what you thought I was going to say? Oh, right. You thought I'd say that I miss not owning PotF. Well, too bad.

What was evident on Hellcats was that "Keely" managed to land on her feet without Phil. What she needed all along was a good writer watching out for her. See how valuable you folks are? Never mind her tumbling; Keely, wizrd or not, needs you looking out for her future, watching her back. Miss Teslow can't make the cut without you.

•BEEP •

This message is for Keely Teslow. Keely? This is Ms. Mayberry from H. G. Wells. I have had several reports of you and two others performing at the billiards tournament yesterday dressed up as cheerleaders. I've already verified with Coach Euphoria that none of you are on the Spirit Squad ... would you like to be? From what everyone has told me, you shone even during a pool tournament - oh, please don't tell anyone I said it that way. Point is, there are a lot of people who contacted the school about this bubbly blonde girl who showed a talent for this cheerleading thing. I heard about the whole vending machine incident during your audition - don't worry about it. As an ex-cheerleader myself, I can tell you that yesterday's stunt or whatever it was you were up to demonstrated true school spirit, as well as polished cheer routines - how long have you three been rehearsing anyway? I'm just calling to assure you that you're not in any sort of trouble for not yet being an authorized Spirit Squad member and invite you, if you have your mother's permission, to join the Squad starting next week. Stop by my office and I'll have a pass for you to conference with Coach Euphoria during third period. Go Astronauts!

•BEEP •


	89. What About Pants?

Disclaimer: I own Phil of the Future - wait, is that a typo?

•BEEP •

Barbara Diffy? This is Deputy O'Dawg of the Tiger Woods Municipal Court House. I've received the tickets your husband was issued along with your letter thanking us and explaining that you're leaving town soon, so you both won't be able to enjoy the tickets. Sorry, Ma'am, but we cannot comply with your request to pass them along to someone else. I'm returning these tickets by mail to your husband. These are his exclusively. Please change your travel plans, for if Lloyd Diffy isn't present at the date and time indicated on his tickets, I will personally come to your house upon your return to drive him to another appearance, along with tickets for him which will be twice as expensive. Please come next Tuesday at 9:00 A.M. Shoes and shirts are required.

•BEEP •


	90. Custodian's Morning Discovery

Disclaimer: Gimme a P! Gimme a ... you know what? Cheerleaders should spell harder words.

**Author's Note:** There's been an increase in new readers, and even writers here, possibly because of Aly's new staring role on Hellcats, so to prime that pump and perhaps attract even more new participants here, there a little Hellcats-Phil of the Future story posted in the Hellcats's story group entitled "**Cast Typed**," the fifth story among the Hellcats's yarns. (Kitty, yarn ... aw, I thought it was worth a snicker.)

.

•BEEP •

Mr. Hackett, you better come down here as soon as you get in. It's the cafeteria ... either all the kids are going to eat outside today, or I'm going to need some serious help if this place is going to be fit to eat off the floor by lunch. Actually, you could eat off the floor now - what the Halloween happened here last night? There's flour on the tables and floor tiles, cupcake fragments everywhere - the walls, the ceiling - and icing; watch where you step when you - EW! That's not icing! What is it? Black as the devil's soul, but (sniff, sniff) it smells sickly sweet. Maybe you could send me some of the students who get sent to you for discipline this morning; once they see what they'll be cleaning up, they'll beg to go back and be good learning in a nice, clean classroom. Until then, I guess I'll get started clee- HEY, you know who'd be a big help? Can you give Debbie Berwick a pass from her morning classes? She's a real hard worker and, anyway, she loves cupcakes. Maybe not after this.

•BEEP •

_Now, the countdown starts as BEEP approaches its 100th chapter._

10


	91. Don't Lose Them

Disclaimer: I own Phil of the Future - wait, is that a typo?

Author's Note: Thanks for the submission, anony, 2010-10-09 . chapter 90. Lots of energy and emotion; we just need to tie it into an episode.

•BEEP •

Yeah, Mrs. Teslow? Chester gave me your phone number. By now, you've probably opened your box and found it sans frame. It's safe and sound, a beaut', I've got it right here. What is this made of, silver? Anyway, I really need those salt and pepper shakers back before tomorrow night or my anniversary will be ruined, Maude will cry, and I'll never hear the end of it. Please give me a call back with an address and I'll drive over your frame lickety-split. Whatever you do, please don't let anything happen to either one of those shakers! Mrs. Teslow, please call me back as soon as you can, but if Maude answers, just ask for "Chico."

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

9


	92. Señor Nougat No More

Disclaimer: Phil of the Future? Well, I'll claim it if nobody else is going to. I'd hate for it to go to waste.

•BEEP •

Dis here is Manny from Pickford Vending and Bus Rentals? What did you do to our machine, Miss Teslow? Wells just sent over pictures of our trashed vending machine. What are ya', one of those kids with anger management issues? Dis isn't gonna help my insurance any, I kin tell yo dat. Señor Nougat candy bars all over da place. Are you one of dem girls who hates chocolate or sumpthin'? Look, I heard about you and your wacky investigative stunts. I don't wants no trouble. When the machine returns, it'll be stocked with only healthy snacks. You don't have to get violent again, Miss Teslow. I gets the message loud and clear. Celery sticks and cream cheese? Gotcha.

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

8


	93. The Vet Is Vexed

Disclaimer: Slow runners are the tenderest. You know what else is extremely tender? Our fondness for our favorite show about Pickford, Phil of the Future:

Developed as a half-hour disguised promotion for the small city of Pickford, the two seasoned series offered an honest portrayal this 21st Century small town, complete with 19th Century values, less the futuristic hijinks. Yes, so many of Pickford's finest attractions and points-of-interests were cleverly inserted into each episode, from the tomato-squishing Pickford Tomato Ranch's Ketchup Days, to the state-of-the-art high school - complete with both a video lab and a billards team, Pickford's annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony, to Pickford's own world class Natural History Museum, and the city's conveniently located state prison. Many of the area's local wonders were highlighted on screen as well: the picturesque Kidd Rock and Pickford Park, the local community lodge with its dance floor/dining room, and local eateries, such as the popular Cocoa Palace and Otto's Pink Pig, while other, uh, attractions, were plugged unseen to whet your interest to visit Pickford: the swamp, Frayed Rope Bridge over Dead Man's Gorge, acres and acres and even more acres of tomato farms, the U-Dry-Em Raisin Ranch, Rikki Lake, Tiger Woods, the fabulous Pickford Swank District, and - don't we all wish we had been in town for the legendary Festapalooza concert? Of course, we do! Yes, we all want to come visit Pickford, live in Pickford, don Skylab Blue school colors and we will! ... as soon as one of us admits to owning Phil of the Future. I can't ... not yet.

•BEEP •

Hi again. This is still the veterinarian for the Petting Zoo. This is my last week in town and, though you're not returning my calls, I'm still trying to identify the strange man who's been disturbing my animals, several of which have gone missing. Several witnesses identified you with him, even claiming that you were rushing him out of the petting pen, shouting, "Barb, start the car!" These aren't rare animals, so I can't imagine why anyone would want to steal them or - you don't think ...? (Gag!) Please, please call me if you know who this character is and what he might be doing with the missing animals. Again, the description we have of him is that of a dark haired tall man, over six foot who was called "Big Brain." He kept asking visitors where the two-headed goat were and was always disappointed when there was no posted showing of monkey juggling. If I don't here from you, I'll be forced to stop by to talk to you where you work, Mr. Curtis. 555-8ZOO.

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

7


	94. Brown Paper Wrapper

Disclaimer: It's obscene. First full year without Phil of the Future being broadcasted. Ouch. Hurts almost as much as my not owning PotF.

•BEEP •

Hello, this is your neighbor, Vice-Principal Hackett. Did you notice I didn't call myself "Vice-Principal Neil"? That's because, Barb and Lloyd, this is an official phone call. This time (sigh), it's Phil. Just for the record, this is the ninth call for Phil, Pim's still at forty-two, but it's only Monday and she remains the favorite in the faculty's weekly pool, possessing a significant lead over Myron, his sister Jerry, and the rest of our incorrigibles. Despite this, it's your son who's soared to a new low: placing pornographic on the shelves of the school library? I'm shocked, just shocked! Mr. and Mrs. Diffy, a library is a sacred place, like a church, synagogue or hotel ballroom. Please call me back immediately when you can come to school to have a conference and, likely (current odds being offered are 8 to 3 by Pim), take Phil home ... for a few days. Oh, Phil's denied placing these magazines in the periodical section, and claiming that he's never even seen them before, but I say the evidence is overwhelming: five issues of the same dirty magazine, all with "PHIL DIFFY" and your street address printed in the address box on each cover?* I mean, don't they send these in brown paper wrappers anymore. I know the ones I subscribe to ... anyway, please call me back at the school A.S.A.P., O.K., Neighbors?

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

_6_

_* We, of course, know Phil is innocent, because we've overheard Owen's confession in front of Phil and Keely at the school's flagpole when O-Dog tells Phil that he's really sorry about his ordering a magazine under Phil's name. (Get Ready To Go-Go)_


	95. Somebody Needs a Hug or a Timeout

Disclaimer: It's obscene. First full year without Phil of the Future being broadcasted. Ouch. Hurts almost as much as my not owning PotF.

•BEEP •

Mommy, are you there? I had a bad day. It started out good. I thought I even made a new friend. Guess I was wrong, again, Mommy. No, the children weren't mean today. Not really. But they didn't do what I told them to do, or rather, what not to do, they did. Two of them, anyway. A boy and a girl, but I got back at them, Mommy. I got even. They'll remember. They'll all remember, or I'll do it again. Someday, someday they'll all learn from it or it'll repeat itself over and over and over again. I'll call back later, Mommy. My mummies need me now.

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

5

A/N: That poor museum curator, he looked like he really needed a tooku, Curtis. And those meddling kids? Not Phil and Keely this time, but Keely and her new camera operator, Owen, during his drooling over Keely phase. Wonder what the second season would have looked like if Via hadn't moved in to provide Owen someone else to obsess over, but had tried to give Phil competition for Keely Teslow's attention. No Wizrd, but he's taller. Maybe Keely should have run with her first idea and interviewed the curator's mommy to really understand the history of the man and his mummy issues?


	96. Oh, So Proudly She Waves

Disclaimer: Allegedly Phil of the Future is owned by someone, some ones or something. I'm innocent, I tell ya.

•BEEP •

Yanoosh here. Chief, why are you never in your office? [BWWPPP] I'm here with the camera crew at the high school doing the fluff piece on their principal-for-a-day event, but I think there just might be a bigger story involved here. I can't find the lucky student. Sure, there are pictures of her everywhere I look. Statuettes, her own school currency - even video synopsis of her time in office as of, oh, 9:30, but no one knows where she is. On second thought, I believe they're just not talking. Not even the faculty. Yep, there's a story here, but I'm calling this a wash and packing it in. The whole story is simply lacking in visual grabbers for a broadcast, 'cept, of course, the effigy of the kid principal flying from the top of the flagpole. I wonder how they rigged it to kick and scream like that. That'd be a good hook for the story ... if it wasn't for the potty language it was spouting. Can't broadcast THAT on the news! The FCC would have our collective rear ends in a sling for certain. Aw, heck. Maybe this won't be a total loss if we can find that teacher who claimed to be attacked by a wild man last year and do a follow up. It's that, or swing by the petting zoo yet again. Somebody find me somebody in charge. This is a school, for Pete's sake. Some one must be running things, right?

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

4

A/N: That's no stuffed doll up on the flagpole, Mr. Ing. That's our recently deposed dictator for life, Principal Pim Diffy. First, H. G. Wells, then Egypt, then the world! MWAH-HA-HA! [KoFF] Sorry, that's usually Pim's line.


	97. Incarceration of the Future

Disclaimer: Allegedly Phil of the Future is owned by someone, some ones or something. I'm innocent, I tell ya.

•BEEP •

Hullo there. I'm attempting to get ahold of a student from H. G. Wells? This is corrections officer Sarge Marge of the state penitentiary. I came out to the high school to offer a bright career outlook to some lucky students last week, and, well, I have the results of an aptitude test taken by one Pim Diffy. From the moment this girl eye balled me at my booth, I knew there was something special about her, an intensity regarding the enforcement of rules and the punishment of those who crossed her. Um, this is kind of embarrassing - - see, according to corrections aptitude assessment she took, she definitely has a career in the penitentiary system. I mean, her scores are record breaking ... just not in the direction we hire from. This ... this is an unusual offer that the Justice Department has asked me to make on its behalf, but here goes: Pim Diffy, in recognition of your ground breaking test results, we'd like to make you an offer. How would you like to be a prison warden? Yes, we realize that you're still in school, eighth grade? But we can't argue with your scores, and there is a budget crisis in California right now, so we're hoping you'll intern, or at least work cheap.

Look, I'll level with you, Diffy. With your criminal aptitude scores, we realize you're going to have a long career in the penal system; it's simply a question of which side of the bars you're going to be spending time behind; we know you'll be running the prison either way! If you're not interest in this offer, perhaps you'd like to make your reservation early? For now, the choice is yours, Miss Diffy, or should we call you "Miss Tunnel Rat"?

•BEEP •

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

3


	98. Contagious Calamity

Disclaimer: Well, yeah, Officer, I did claim to own Phil of the Future, but, but, um, feel my forehead ... I'm feverish, I tell you.

•BEEP •

Stupid voice mail. Superintendent, in all my eighty-nine years of nursing, I've never seen anything like this. This is Nurse Alasia at Herbert G. Wells Junior/Senior High School and I'm declaring a school-wide medical emergency. It all started first thing this morning, before even the first bell. At first, it seemed like an isolated incident; the second was a laughable coincidence; the third was unsettling. We're twenty minutes away from ten o'clock and we're already up to twenty-three cases and having to placed the victims in the hallways! There's no need to call for a quarantine. Quite the opposite, even though cases are increasing geometrically, the only safe thing to do is close the school early and send everyone home ... at least the boys. Yes, all twenty-three patients, come to think of it, have been boys, and all suffering from head injury, too. Oh, there have been some abrasions and even some broken bones by those falling down staircases, but all have suffered head trauma.

At first I thought it was some sort of inner ear infection, or possibly the cafeteria's very vertigo-inducing veal surprise. I don't know what's causing all these boys to suddenly tumble down stairs, walk into walls, poles and lockers. Maybe the boys are overheating? Our girls seem fine, but then they're the only ones taking advantage of this week's trial suspension of the dress code's no belly button policy - tube tops and midriffs abound. Hmm ... Whatever. For the health and safely of half the student body, I'm sending all male students home immediately. No boys have ever argued about having sent home early before, so why would they start now?

•BEEP •

A.N.: During his school-wide broadcast in "Future Jock," Mr. Hackett reminded the students of the dress code's no navel policy. "Let's cover up those belly buttons, People."

_BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:_

2


	99. Stacy Pimpkin's Final Release

Disclaimer: I'll hold my breath until I own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Miss Pimpkins, this missive is to inform you that you have (sigh) at long last not only completed, but p-p-pas - not fay-fay-fay ... perhaps I can be better conveyed my message by an example? You, Stacy, were like the ravenous silkworm, feeding your belly, instead of your mind. How unfortuitous for you, as my Omicron Gambit served up a heaping helping of intellectual cuisine which your pedestrian palette simple could not digest, less appreciate. Oh, it must have been harrowing for you to miss cheerleading practice daily only to wallow in the pathetic bouquet of your inadequacy as a scholar. Personally, I could never have stomached such a sophisticated dish, only to be left alone, dreading the sight of my own reflected failure in the bottom of my finger bowl. Truly, to spend each afternoon stumped by my masterpiece of all exams should have crushed your spirit, just as it's grayed your follicles, as well as your complexion. But rejoice, you adolescent hag! Your after school time has not been wasted, nay! Through constant exposure to my pedagogical prowess, you have attained sufficient Messerschmittness, undoubtedly through osmosis by way of generous second helpings of my magnificent presence, to have succeeded in passing the gargantuan Omicron Gambit. Huzzah!

Stacy, I-I must confess that I'll miss our late afternoons together. I'd be willing to consider taking you on a my student assistant next semester. Your sole duty would be to accessorized the moment I whittle a dull student down to size with my razor-sharp wit by your pointing at the student and laughing out loud. No. Wait. I already do that. Har-har-har! Perhaps you could be the tissue monitor and mop the floor of excess bodily fluics? I'll expect your answer before Bell Call trumpets the morn tomorrow. Bring your own mop.

•BEEP •

A.N.: In actuality, I doubt Messerschmitt molecules permeated Pimpkins's pores. I'll bet Keely and Phil, after they themselves aced Messerschmitt's maniacal test, took the rapidly aging eleventh grade Stacy Pimpkins under their wing and tutored her to finally pass the dire exam after "The Giggle" episode.

BEEP approaches its 100th chapter:

1


	100. It Was Only a Matter Of Time

Disclaimer: -still holding my breath-

A.N. - 100 Beeps over a year's span, 100 reasons for Phil of the Future fans to keep checking out this area, maybe review a story, or even better, pen and post one of their own for all to enjoy. Not the largest group ever, true, but we've always been the kindest and friendliest, and just possibly the most loyal and creative. Thank yous go out to everyone who read, reviewed, and especially those who submitted the sixteen guest writer Beeps of their own. Please, read and review older PotF stories from past contributors; they just might write more.

Your Pickfordian Pal,  
CraftyNotepad

•BEEP •

Zis is for Herr Neil Hackett, V. P. Vast is zist "V. P."? "M. D.," "PhD," D. D. S.," even "M. V. P." I haf heard of, but "V. P.?" Vat is zist un "Very Important Person," minus zee "Important" part? It matters nein. Vas is of importantz is zat you and I have an appointment ut four sharp next Toozday. Be on time! I do not tolerate tardy little skool boys, V. P.

Now, I will leave questions and you will promptly leavenzee answers on mein answer box thingy. you will answer all my questions without question! WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT MEIN CLINIC? It matters nein. Relax. You must relax, mein friend. All that matters is that you know that I am here to help you and that mein methods, while some vould call old fashion, barbaric even, are effective nearly 51-percent uf the time!

Zo, Herr Hackett, let me have a look see at your form. Ja, ja, dat is gut. Gut ... gut ... whoopsie doodle. Just how long have you believed dat your neighbors are aliens? Do they have antennas that come out of their heads or ... oh, I see. Vell, ya, green is a vell established color for aliens ... not so sure about the white beards, though. Let me see here, what else? Ja, ja, ooh ... you had a pony in your office wearing a hat and it disappeared? Vell, why vas your office wearing a hat? Look, I see this kind of thing all dee time: pony issues; mein own papa promised me a pony, too. You just haf to let go of your inner child, Neilly. Grow up for goodness sake - what are you, still in skool? Well, this ... oh, you wrote on the back of zee form, also. Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. you haf had un encounter with aliens in your backyard. Dey made you beautiful, oh, you made yourself beautiful and they changed you to look like dis - see attached photo - **Ach you Lieber! Vas haf de dun tu you, Mein Herr? you haf no hair! **

Mein Gott, dis is serious. I do not have to read any more. You stay right there and I will come to you. Stay right where you are. Don't move. Don't talk with anyone. I vill come and take you to a nice safe place vere dees aliens will never bother you ever again._ (Schultz! Start the truck! Villie! Get the sports jacket with dee sleeves zat tie in the back.) _Don't worry, Herr V. P., I have the Very Place for and important patient like you.

•BEEP •


	101. No Refunds

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future, but even if I did, what channel would broadcast such a premium quality program nowadays?

•BEEP •

Hey, you with the face! This is a courtesy voicemail message from Pim Diffy's Products, so listen with yer good ear. As a previous purchaser of products from the now defunct Keely's Korner, your phone number was automatically gathered by means that you don't need to be bored by right now. It has come to my attention that not all my buyers are completely satisfied with their purchases, those cry babies. Vice-Principal Hackett has ... encouraged me to make some sort of compromise. Remember - NO REFUNDS EVER! Still, I promised Mr. Hackett that any unsatisfied customers would be warmly invited to come over to my house tomorrow after school, between 4:15 and 4:30. We shook on my dealing with this on the spot. At my home, I personally will make certain that that each and every individual I see will receive what I think they deserve. I have chicken pox.

•BEEP •


	102. WHERE ARE YOU?

Disclaimer: Suddenly I feel as if I'm behind the eight ball simply due to the fact that I do not own Phil of the Future.

Guest BEEPER James888 generously shares the next two BEEPs with some post Corner Pocket communications between a couple of our favorite girls.

•BEEP •

Keely? This is Tia. I thought we were going to the Mall today to pick out the clothes we were going to buy tomorrow at the sale. Where are you? Are you making Googly Eyes at Phil again? Remember, you owe me huge for wearing that cheerleader outfit! I'm going to so get my nails done at the mall. Call me when you get this.

•BEEP •


	103. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Disclaimer: I own PotF ... scratch that.

Guest BEEPER James888 returns with a tricky bank shot:

•BEEP •

Hey, Tia? It's Keely. What do you mean you're getting your nails done? How could you possibly chip them on your pom poms? Don't you realize you had your nails done just a few days ago? Plus anyway, I already went to the mall and picked out the clothes I'm gonna buy and hid them away so I can just grab and buy them tomorrow. I even got the ones you wanted and stashed them right next to mine. Weren't you listening? And I wasn't MAKING GOOGLY EYES AT PHIL. I...had some ... dirt in my eyes.

•BEEP ••BEEP •


	104. TIM'S TOWING

Disclaimer: I owe Phil of the Future.

Boris Yeltsin adds yet another BEEP to his repertoire.

•BEEP •

Tim's Towing? Yes, this is Lloyd Diffy. You guys towed away my, um, RV, in front of the home I just purchased, but I still had a lot of things inside it that I'll really need being new to Pickford and all. So, New Neighbor, if you could tow back our time ... camper - back to our house, I'd be grateful. The address is 182 •BEEP •


	105. They'll Always Get You In the End

Disclaimer: If you haven't yet gotten the message, I don't own Phil of the Future.

•BEEP •

Ah, Mr. Hackett. Got your message, though I was surprised to hear Ronnie Ronconcomo say, "Mr. Angst, Mr. Hackett wants you to call him for some more advice about that personal matter." Would this be more of my advice which you so readily both begged me for and totally ignored the last time, Neil? So Veronica dumped you again, didn't she? Don't say I didn't tell you so. You really should have listened to me.

(Sigh) Okay, but this is the last time I dole out guidance for free. Next time, you can go to one of the geniuses on the staff who insist despite our different last names that we're related purely based upon our identical hair styles. When it comes to women, I don't like to brag, but I'm an expert. If you're not going to trust me after my four marriages, then trust in science. In the end, no woman can be trusted. They'll always end up backstabbing you when you least expect it. Never trust them, NEVER, because they cannot help it.

It comes down to the most basic of genetics, so there's no arguing with what is fundamentally female. Humans have twenty-three pairs of chromosomes. Doesn't matter if we're talking male or female. Twenty-three - that's it, but it's the last pair of them which is the clincher: numero twenty-o-three-o.

"Why," you ask? All men do. We have to ask "why;" it's genetic. #23 is the chromosome pairing which determines gender, but so much more. Males have an X and a Y, hence we constantly question "why?" Correct, "Twin?" While the double-dealing gender has two X-chromosomes. Get a grip on the obvious. Geez, two X-chromosomes. XX. Two crosses. Could nature be more blatant in its warning? An actual _"double-cross"_ resides inside every woman's genes. Wake up, Hackett! The double-cross falls right at the end, and that's the why it's not just Veronica, but all women - they'll always double-cross you, Neil, in the end. It's in their nature, but I suppose falling for them is just in yours.

•BEEP •

_Author's Breadcrumbs:_ Poor Neil. He falls so hard so quickly when it comes to academically available women. Keely knows this firsthand from when she aged herself and ended up substituting for his class. Of course, she got off easily compared to_ Vuh-Vuh-_Veronica in episode #112 entitled "Age Before Beauty." He fell for them both in this episode … not at the same time. Veronica, then substituting "Miss Vanderhoosey," and then a quick return to Veronica. Keely took it well, though.


	106. Customer Anxious For More Full Service

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future and that stinks.

•BEEP •

Is this P&K Daycare? Hello? Hello? This Mrs. Brookwell over at 121 McNamara Street. I found your phone number printed on the yellow handkerchief you tied around my doggy's neck. This isn't a complaint. You all did a fine job cleaning my backyard of Scruffy's … dirty donations. Thank you, but it's been four weeks and you haven't come back to make another … collection. Did you forget where I live? Call me back soon, because nothing's been picked up since your first visit and it's getting pretty stinky. Okay, okay, the neighbors are complaining, so I'll tip! Oh, and have you seen Scruffy's favorite chew toy? The last time anyone saw it was when your shaggy-headed co-worker was, well ... was he testing the rawhide for flavor? Now that's full service.

•BEEP •

Author's Breadcrumbs: This is from the "Doggie Daycare" episode. Oh, and by the way, once Festapalooza was over with? Keely and Phil reconsidered their first commercial endeavor.

_Can You Believe It?:_ 2121 Productions exists again, at least in name, and they're proud to declare they attend the "PHILLY" Comic Con. Phil of the Future meets Twilight Zone. DO-do, Do-do ... BEEP


	107. Tanner Being Truthful

**AUTHOR'S JOYFUL ANNOUNCEMENT! **

** TWO Episodes of Phil of the Future, "Your Cheatin' Heart" and "Unification Day," are on Disney Channel this Wednesday, May 8th from 12-1am ET/PT. It's about peanut butter ball time, don't cha think? Thank you, SlickNickShady, for this update!**

•BEEP •

Tanner here. Hi Darcy. About the ski trip … I may not be able to go after all. Things are heating up for me in drama class. Yeah, some people can be hugely jealous, even "break a leg" has taken on a new nuance. Uh, anyway, what it comes down to is that - I may have mislead you. I should have been honest. Darcy, I can't ski. I just make a snow jacket look fantastic. So, if I'm going to break a leg, I'd rather it be on stage in front of my fans than on some frozen slope turning blue. I'll save you a seat up front and devote my next starring performance to you, Glowworm. Ciao Bella.

•BEEP •

Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future. I just love the series!

.

_.:|:._


End file.
